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3-Minute Poem (or, Wookies? Seriously?)

Kids today like fantastical things,

Androids, computers and Wookies.

I’m old-school, and loves me some

Fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies.

 

It’s true.  Bring me some fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies and you will see that gleam in my eye.  Be ready for a XXX throw-down.  And remember, I am the Undefeated Championship Belt Holder!

(If you can’t deliver the cookies to me in-person, please enclose naughty photos with your package…)

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Between the Holidays (or, Stuck in the Middle with You!)

With all the holidays happening, my head is spinning!

However, right now we are between two very important holidays, SBJ Day and St Patrick’s Day.

What’s SBJ Day?  Well, it is one of the most important dates in history.  Many holidays revolve around women.  Particularly, Valentine’s Day.

Valentine’s Day is all about the ladies.  We woo them with chocolate, flowers, dinners, dancing, Broadway shows and most importantly, jewelry!  Men give consideration for their significant others’ feelings and try to listen after they say, “Sounds like you had a rough day.  Want to talk about it?”

As such, men finally decided that they need a holiday of their own.  One which speaks to their inner self and needs.  A day that, if all goes according to plan, leaves them happy, fulfilled and ever so appreciative of their partners.

Yes, March 14th is designated as “Steak and Blow Job Day.”  See, men are just not as complicated as women.  Feed us a steak, suck our dick, swallow some seed and we are yours for life.  (OK, there are some guys who qualify as “Playas” but we do not count them as men.)

I’m not about to tell those of you not on the receiving end of Steak and BJ Day how to grill a steak.  Put it on, turn it over, take it off.  Add BBQ sauce to taste.  (Hope you remembered to marinate the steak!)

But Blow Jobs.  Ladies, we need to talk.  How do you give a great blow job?  90% of the act is the attitude.  If you obviously are not enjoying it, we are not enjoying it either.  So if you do not like sucking cock, we are going to have a problem.  Now some men do not care.  I have never met these men.  It seems that whether you are straight or gay, you want your dick sucked.

So do I.  And here is how you win Dr Tim’s undying love and affection:

1. Have fun with it!  Make it game, put a little captain hat on him and tell him to prepare for a tropical storm.  How many licks does it take?

2. Use your tongue.  There is no such thing as too much tongue.  Broad flat strokes, pointed scroll work, make that hurricane tongue swirl around and around the head.

3. Actually move your head.  Believe it or not, some folks think a blow job consists of putting the head in their mouth and waiting.  This does not work.  Slide your lips up and down the shaft.  Move it from side to side.  We need some motion in the ocean.

4. Please do not forget to lick our balls.  We hate having dry balls and only you can save us.  Pop those balls in and out of your mouth.  Chase them around with your tongue.  Take them both in your mouth and pull.  Balls are fun.  Do not be afraid of them.

5. Some may disagree with me on this one, but using your hands is not cheating!  Play with my balls, tickle my taint, stroke the shaft in a twisting grip while your tongue circles the opposite way around the head.  Even nipple pinching is fair game.  If my cock is in your mouth, just about anything goes.

6. Except teeth.  We do not like razors being run up and down out cocks.  Either cover them with your lips or open your mouth wider and let your lips create a suction seal.

7. Swallow.  For me, nothing makes me feel loved in bed more than someone swallowing my semen.  If you are a bit squeamish, see this article: https://quantumcogitation.com/2011/06/16/to-completion-or-spitters-are-quitters/  If you still do not want to swallow, would you please let me shoot my load on your breasts?  Cum-covered boobs are very attractive and won’t mess up your hair.

8. Rimming is optional.

Basically, that’s it.  Not so difficult really.  Of course there are thousands of permutations and combinations that you can do to surprise your loved ones.  And if your man wants to know where you learned how to do what you just did, do not mention my name!  I still have to hide from a husband who, when he and his wife were testing a new butt lube,  heard his wife whisper, “Thanks Tim!”

Oh St Patrick’s Day.  I colored my privates green.  Anyone want to kiss my Blarney Stones?