Eat it? I just want to lick it!

Here is a question I hear fairly often, “Hey Dr Tim!  Is that edible?”

Quick answer, “Does it have Nutrition or Supplement Facts?  If not, no!”

So what about flavored lubricants, gels or lotions?  If they have flavors, they must be edible!

Yes, we make these!

Yes, we make these!

No, not really.  But here is the thing.  Have you ever heard of incidental ingestion?  Let me explain, if you have ever used for example, lipstick or lip balm, you have accidentally eaten some of it.  If you have ever kissed someone wearing lipstick, lip balm or lip gloss, you have consumed some.  Who hasn’t kissed someone and licked their lips afterwards, especially if they are using that yummy new acai berry/pomegranate lip gloss (now with kiwi!)?

Kiss me now!

Kiss me now!

That is incidental ingestion.  With flavored lubes, haven’t you ever pounded it hard and long, then given it a quick kiss of gratitude afterwards?  Well, would you rather take away the slight taste of strawberry or the industrial taste of a high-functioning, chemical tasting lube?  Thought so.  me too.  Strawberries are just so much tastier than motor oil.

So why don’t flavored lubes have nutritional facts?  You are not supposed to eat them!  If we wanted you to put the anal jelly on your toast, we would have that cool box with the information about calories, trans fat, etc, etc on a label sans naked people with a grocery store friendly name.  The same goes for lotions, creams and such.  Remember Jessica Simpson?  Her line of “edible” cosmetic products were actually called “kissable” after the Regulatory Department got through with it.

Desert Beauty

And what about those throat numbing mints?  Well, those don’t have nutritional facts because they are drugs!  They need the drug facts box on the label.  Yeah, it gets complicated.  But if you want to play with the Government, you really do have to play by their rules.  (Unless you are a real gambler.  But when you get caught, you will wish you hadn’t!)

We make these too!

We make these too!

Supplements meant to be consumed have different rules too!  They need supplement facts about daily values and junk.  Confused yet?

So lubes aren’t food.  Drugs aren’t food.  Supplements aren’t food.  Only food is food!  Follow the directions!  If it does not have nutritional/supplement facts available, it is not supposed to be eaten, chugged, or swallowed in big mouthfuls. 

And if someone wants you to eat it, ask them to take the first swallow.  That’ll separate the wheat from the chaff.

Take Your Time! (It’s not a race to the grave…)

Practice what you preach.

Being the father of a 17-year-old boy, this phrase echos in my head quite frequently.  Today I stopped to think about that and what it means to my career and my life.

I can guess what you are thinking.  “Oh great!  A maudlin, self-indulgent rant in an attempt to cleanse his soul and make peace with the world since his life is probably well past half-over.”

Close.  (Sure enough, Horowitz playing Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata just came on my iPod.)

Can't you just hear it?

Can't you just hear it?

This is a short spiel about longing, need and redemption.  I am a big believer in redemption.  I believe it down to my bones that we can pull it off.  Let’s get back to the point.

Folks talk about what is good for you.  What you should eat, how to have sex, how to live your life.  But do they ever follow their advice?  I knew a sexologist who no longer had sex because they were tired of it.  If one does not stay up to date on their chosen field, how can they teach?

Last month I talked about sex toys and fashion.  What the heck do I know?  Well, plenty.  I personally have over two dozen pairs of shoes, more jackets than I can ever wear and a whole dresser full of sex toys and lubricants.

And I take the time to use them.  Why promote or sell something that you would never use?  My first question when I make something in the lab is, “Would I buy and use this?”  If the answer is “No!” then I go back to the bench and work it out.  I won’t even accept a “Maybe.”  If I won’t use it, how could I expect anyone else to use it?

You may laugh, be shocked, disgusted or wonder exactly what toys I own and use.  Really, that’s none of your business.  You have to buy and download the clips off the internet like everyone else.  But even though I work at one of the largest adult novelty manufacturers in the USA, I don’t use everything they make.  Because it is not right for me.  And that is the point of this convoluted missive.

Have you ever done anything willingly or been talked into doing something of a sexual nature that left you feeling dirty, despairing and crying?  I hope not.  That is not a very good place to be emotionally.  If you did it to please someone else, that was probably not a good idea.  Despite the backlash I may get from a few communities, no one really wants to feel used and unloved.  Nobody.  And that is not a healthy outlet for your sexuality.

Lie down and tell me all about it...

Lie down and tell me all about it...

My parents, always told me to wait to have sex as long as possible.  Do you think I listened?  Not a chance.  As a wise woman told me once, “I get in where I fit in!”  And guess what?  I had many Walk of Shame moments.  Some of which are forever recorded and out of my control.  That’s life.

So what did I do?  I took the time to learn about my own particular sexuality.  I used many types of toys and implements of mass destruction.  And I learned what works for me.  Who works for me.  What styles work for me.  I learned my personal rhythm.

Did I need the toys?  Sure!  But to (badly) paraphrase Carlos Castaneda, not every pupil needs the same stimulants.  Do you need sex toys?  I hope so!  I get paid that way!

So when you talk to your children or nieces/nephews or whomever and tell them that sex is a wonderful, sacred thing.  Are you speaking from experience or just talking out of your ass?

Take some time to experience truly good sex.  Either by yourself or with someone.  Experiment, find out what makes you tick.  Find your personal rhythm.  Tap into the Orgone energy of the universe.  (We will discuss Orgone energy and Wilhelm Reich later.) 

Orgone Box

Orgone Box

Harnessing Orgone Energy




Enrich your life and soul with uber-satisfying orgasms and feel the love of the universe.  (Oh yeah, use my products too!)  Either every day is sacred or none of them are.

Be good to yourself.  Practice what you preach.

I’ve got a good feeling about this…