Quantum Cogitation

Here is a question I hear fairly often, “Hey Dr Tim!  Is that edible?”

Quick answer, “Does it have Nutrition or Supplement Facts?  If not, no!”

So what about flavored lubricants, gels or lotions?  If they have flavors, they must be edible!

Yes, we make these!

No, not really.  But here is the thing.  Have you ever heard of incidental ingestion?  Let me explain, if you have ever used for example, lipstick or lip balm, you have accidentally eaten some of it.  If you have ever kissed someone wearing lipstick, lip balm or lip gloss, you have consumed some.  Who hasn’t kissed someone and licked their lips afterwards, especially if they are using that yummy new acai berry/pomegranate lip gloss (now with kiwi!)?

Kiss me now!

That is incidental ingestion.  With flavored lubes, haven’t you ever pounded it hard and long, then given it a quick kiss of gratitude afterwards?  Well, would you rather take away the slight taste of strawberry or the industrial taste of a high-functioning, chemical tasting lube?  Thought so.  me too.  Strawberries are just so much tastier than motor oil.

So why don’t flavored lubes have nutritional facts?  You are not supposed to eat them!  If we wanted you to put the anal jelly on your toast, we would have that cool box with the information about calories, trans fat, etc, etc on a label sans naked people with a grocery store friendly name.  The same goes for lotions, creams and such.  Remember Jessica Simpson?  Her line of “edible” cosmetic products were actually called “kissable” after the Regulatory Department got through with it.

And what about those throat numbing mints?  Well, those don’t have nutritional facts because they are drugs!  They need the drug facts box on the label.  Yeah, it gets complicated.  But if you want to play with the Government, you really do have to play by their rules.  (Unless you are a real gambler.  But when you get caught, you will wish you hadn’t!)

We make these too!

Supplements meant to be consumed have different rules too!  They need supplement facts about daily values and junk.  Confused yet?

So lubes aren’t food.  Drugs aren’t food.  Supplements aren’t food.  Only food is food!  Follow the directions!  If it does not have nutritional/supplement facts available, it is not supposed to be eaten, chugged, or swallowed in big mouthfuls. 

And if someone wants you to eat it, ask them to take the first swallow.  That’ll separate the wheat from the chaff.