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Between the Holidays (or, Stuck in the Middle with You!)

With all the holidays happening, my head is spinning!

However, right now we are between two very important holidays, SBJ Day and St Patrick’s Day.

What’s SBJ Day?  Well, it is one of the most important dates in history.  Many holidays revolve around women.  Particularly, Valentine’s Day.

Valentine’s Day is all about the ladies.  We woo them with chocolate, flowers, dinners, dancing, Broadway shows and most importantly, jewelry!  Men give consideration for their significant others’ feelings and try to listen after they say, “Sounds like you had a rough day.  Want to talk about it?”

As such, men finally decided that they need a holiday of their own.  One which speaks to their inner self and needs.  A day that, if all goes according to plan, leaves them happy, fulfilled and ever so appreciative of their partners.

Yes, March 14th is designated as “Steak and Blow Job Day.”  See, men are just not as complicated as women.  Feed us a steak, suck our dick, swallow some seed and we are yours for life.  (OK, there are some guys who qualify as “Playas” but we do not count them as men.)

I’m not about to tell those of you not on the receiving end of Steak and BJ Day how to grill a steak.  Put it on, turn it over, take it off.  Add BBQ sauce to taste.  (Hope you remembered to marinate the steak!)

But Blow Jobs.  Ladies, we need to talk.  How do you give a great blow job?  90% of the act is the attitude.  If you obviously are not enjoying it, we are not enjoying it either.  So if you do not like sucking cock, we are going to have a problem.  Now some men do not care.  I have never met these men.  It seems that whether you are straight or gay, you want your dick sucked.

So do I.  And here is how you win Dr Tim’s undying love and affection:

1. Have fun with it!  Make it game, put a little captain hat on him and tell him to prepare for a tropical storm.  How many licks does it take?

2. Use your tongue.  There is no such thing as too much tongue.  Broad flat strokes, pointed scroll work, make that hurricane tongue swirl around and around the head.

3. Actually move your head.  Believe it or not, some folks think a blow job consists of putting the head in their mouth and waiting.  This does not work.  Slide your lips up and down the shaft.  Move it from side to side.  We need some motion in the ocean.

4. Please do not forget to lick our balls.  We hate having dry balls and only you can save us.  Pop those balls in and out of your mouth.  Chase them around with your tongue.  Take them both in your mouth and pull.  Balls are fun.  Do not be afraid of them.

5. Some may disagree with me on this one, but using your hands is not cheating!  Play with my balls, tickle my taint, stroke the shaft in a twisting grip while your tongue circles the opposite way around the head.  Even nipple pinching is fair game.  If my cock is in your mouth, just about anything goes.

6. Except teeth.  We do not like razors being run up and down out cocks.  Either cover them with your lips or open your mouth wider and let your lips create a suction seal.

7. Swallow.  For me, nothing makes me feel loved in bed more than someone swallowing my semen.  If you are a bit squeamish, see this article: https://quantumcogitation.com/2011/06/16/to-completion-or-spitters-are-quitters/  If you still do not want to swallow, would you please let me shoot my load on your breasts?  Cum-covered boobs are very attractive and won’t mess up your hair.

8. Rimming is optional.

Basically, that’s it.  Not so difficult really.  Of course there are thousands of permutations and combinations that you can do to surprise your loved ones.  And if your man wants to know where you learned how to do what you just did, do not mention my name!  I still have to hide from a husband who, when he and his wife were testing a new butt lube,  heard his wife whisper, “Thanks Tim!”

Oh St Patrick’s Day.  I colored my privates green.  Anyone want to kiss my Blarney Stones?

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Vacation! (or Did you miss me?)

Believe it or not, I took a vacation last week.  No, really!  I was not in my laboratory for nine days.  Nine long, empty, meaningless days…

Actually I had a grand time.  It was my first vacation in four years and my third in the last twelve years.  It seems like I take a week off every four years or so.

So what did I do?  Things that would make the Marquis de Sade jump up on a chair and go “Eeek!”

Well, I’m sure that someone would.  I spent two days travelling.  It was nice to see the green fields and blue skies of the Midwest again.  You know, they have air that can be seen through almost all of the time.  Then I came home to study.

Yes you read that correctly, I came home to study.  I was buried in quantum theory, chemistry, mathematics and porn.

A person needs to stay sharp and up-to-date with the latest and greatest theories and inventions.  Who wouldn’t want to unravel the theories of time and the universe while experiencing mind-blowing orgasms?  Somehow I find that climaxing while learning brings me to an amazing brain-gasm.  Nothing like a good cum to fix things in your brain.  The universe seems to open itself up to me during sex.  (Now you understand why I call my Lady Friends, “My World, My Universe.”)

Here you thought I ignored my studies to do a lot of screwing around!  Nonsense.  As serious students, we always recited our class notes during sex.  In fact, that is the main reason people like the dirty talk in the bedroom.  Have you ever said anything naughty that your partner forgot?  Nope, they remember every last thing you said in bed and try to hold you to it.  A lot of jewelry gets sold that way.

Did you know that two people can squeeze into an orgone box?  They can!  If you can have sex in an airplane bathroom, you can make it in an orgone box!  Although that isn’t the point.  One of these days I promise that I will write a blog about Wilhelm Reich.  His work is fascinating.

Back to my vacation!  Out of nine, I had seven days of Science, Sex and Ice Cream.  Hmm, Seven of Nine does make me think about Science, Sex and Ice Cream, although not in that exact order.

However, serious study needs a serious study group.  How fortunate that I know such a group who could really help me concentrate on my studies.  Anything that could happen, did happen!  There were tons of official Doc Johnson toys and lubes which everyone shared to their hearts’ content.  There were strap-ons, oral sex, anal, sex, vaginal sex, armpit sex, straight, gay, trans, couples, singles and more!  Best smorgasm-borg ever!  We really got into some interesting experiments of spacial geometry and I do believe we defied the laws of physics and anatomy more than once.  How many dimensions do we occupy during orgasm?

You would have to see the film to believe it!  But until I star on a reality show, you will probably never have a chance to see it, unless someone posts clips on the internet.  Don’t be a pirate!  Buy your porn!  Somehow the idea of sex tapes going viral seems wrong to me.

So what or who did you do on your summer vacation?  Feel free to send me cards, letters, pictures or video!  Even a postcard would be nice…

3 Minute Poem (or, Why Can’t He Just Stick to Science?)

Yes, here is another 3-minute poem from Dr Tim for the holiday.

Why do I call it a 3-minute poem?  Because I refuse to take longer than three minutes to write one.  Cuz you see, man, if you take the time to re-write and edit, it’s no longer real.  It doesn’t have that organic flow and awkward meter.  Ya dig?  Crazy.  Here we go…

Happy Birthday USA! (by Dr Tim 2011)

 

Life, Liberty, Pursuit of Happiness

Is what they promised me

To live this lifetime free and bold

Was my opportunity

The world says that we’ve gone soft

And we have lost our way

I say America still shows her strength

Every Independence Day

G-d Bless America, Her hopes, Her goals

G-d Bless our Troops so true

When Evil struck, to destroy our dreams

We bled Red, White and Blue

We do not cower, we do not fear

Keeping peace is never fun

But I can guaran-damn-tee you that

Our colors will never run

Now I’m older, beaten on life’s anvil

And long for yester-year

Yet still if you insult my Land

You’ll get a boot right up your rear

Yet on cool, dark nights

Perched high in a tree

I think of things long gone

Let me tell you two or three

For baseball, I miss Willie Mays

For potato chips, please bring me Lay’s

For picnics were the greatest craze

For the holiday, let’s take off the next three days!

HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY!!!

So cool cats, next time we’ll talk about SRS, Dilation and why you need a good lube around the house.  Later Daddio!

To Completion… (or Spitters are Quitters!)

Most of my readers out there are a wee bit younger than me.  But back in the old days before the interwebs, we had swinger magazines.  Basically people would send in ads where they advertised what they wanted sexually.  Then others would buy the magazine, read the ads, circle the ones that made them masturbate, write a reply letter, seal it in an envelope with the ad number on it, put that in another envelope addressed to the swinger magazine, mail it and wait for a reply and hopefully a nude picture.  WHEW!  It could take three to four weeks to make a hook-up.  That’s a  lot of mental foreplay right there.

But we aren’t talking about swinger magazines today.  However, there was a phrase used in many of those ads that will lead us to today’s topic.  That phrase was “French to Completion.”

“French” is what we used as a polite euphemism for oral sex.  And “To Completion” meant performing oral sex all the way to orgasm.  Not just a quick suck here or half-hearted lick there, but an honest-to-goodness, all-out, no holds barred blowjob from start to gooey finish and beyond.  Back in the 70’s, I never met a girl who didn’t swallow.  I mean, it was proper etiquette!  (Side note: As randy young adults, someone ordering french dressing for their salad would send the table into uncontrollable snorts and giggles.)

Swallow what?

You know what I am talking about here.  We are talking about semen, sperm, cum, jizz, protein shake, man chowder, baby batter, ball butter, pearl jam, nut nectar…

Today I hear the question, “Swallow, spit or dodge?”  And I believe that all cocksuckers have the right to make that choice.  After all, if someone is willing to suck your cock until you are ready to explode, well, cherish them!  Marry them if you can legally!  As a man with multiple ex-wives The Good Doctor can tell you that a lot of arguments would never happen if there was more cocksucking happening.  Free tip for my next wife: I can put up with doilies, pink bathrooms, frilly sheets, new curtains and a whole lot of crap if you are blowing me frequently.

So one might wonder why all women (or men that are so inclined) do not always swallow our load.  There are many reasons.

They don’t like the taste.  We can fix that!  There are flavored bj potions that make the cock sweeter.  We will drink pineapple juice every day, quit smoking and eat healthier if you promise to blow us.  (Cinnamon is good too!)  And please note, there are no taste buds in the back of your throat…

The texture is weird.  Have you ever eaten flan, sushi or jello in milk?  Now you are being a bit silly.

What is it anyway?  Now there is a valid question!  What is in that pearly, life-giving nectar?

I am going to keep this simple here so all you MD’s who write to me keep a lid on it.  Semen has basically two components: sperm and seminal fluid.  Each time you cum, you ejaculate 200 to 500 million sperm which only constitutes a couple percent of your load.  It is mostly seminal fluid which provides food, energy and protection for the sperm cells.  The vaginal canal is an extremely hostile environment for sperm.  So sperm needs to be protected by its super juice.  The seminal fluid has so many things in it for so many reasons that I will only hit the high points.  It has amino acids, hormones, proteins, zinc, enzymes, lipids, sugars and so much more!  And every component is important to achieve the sperm’s ultimate goal of impregnation.

Cum is fattening!  Sorry, but no it isn’t.  Now the amount of calories will depend on the man’s diet, his age, how recently he orgasmed and a few other factors.  However, a teaspoon sized serving of semen contains roughly 5-7 calories.  That’s right!  You can swallow it all day and not gain weight.  You would have to swallow over 115 teaspoons of cum to equal the calories of one Big Mac (576) or sixteen teaspoons to equal one serving of Dannon Light & Fit non-fat Blueberry yogurt (80).

Let’s pull up the psychological armchairs now.  Based on my personal experience, I would rather that my tantric engineer either swallows or dodges.  Swallowing is my preference because in my mind, I am my cum.  And swallowing it means you accept me and appreciate me.  Dodging is cool because I love to see my cum dripping from erect nipples or filling a belly button.  (But Not In My Hair!)  That also indicates acceptance.  You may not want to swallow me, but you will wear me.  That is very heart-warming.

But to spit?  That is total rejection.  It means that you only accept me grudgingly and that you do not appreciate anything that I give you.  Sounds strange, but spitting out my cum is very offensive to me.  Now if you have an allergic reaction to semen and it does exist, I would always be wearing a condom and you should have no objection to my cumming while you suck.  After all, it is safely contained.

And maybe that is the best answer for anyone in a new relationship or have a partner that just does not want to deal with our ejaculate.  Because if you are willing to fellate us early and often, we will do everything in our power to make the experience as good for you as we possibly can.  (Lick our balls too, ok?)  Because we want you to keep fellating us!  Really, we do!

After all, nothing says love more than “To Completion.”

Erotic Spitting (or How Is It Raining in the Bedroom?)

Today I was having lunch with a beautiful, dusky-complexioned woman who was telling me about her weekend.  Let me tell you, this woman was HOT!  Think of Salma Hayek in Frida.  HOT!  And she was telling me about stretching naked in the sun before settling in the jacuzzi with her morning mimosa.  I love this woman.

Then she told of an encounter she had recently where her male friend kept spitting on her.  Interesting concept.  I asked if he was doing it for added lubrication (as I scolded her for not having her Official Doc Johnson Personal Lubricants handy!)  And she said it wasn’t for lubrication.  He was taking mouthfuls of water and spraying it over her chest.  I mentioned that I would love to spray something over her chest, and she touched my hand while doing the woman’s “You Aren’t Getting Any” laugh saying, “Oh Tim…”

But she touched my hand so I still have a shot.  (I’m a Guy. We always believe we have a shot at any one we desire.  Men are just like that.)

So spitting.  Interesting concept.  Let’s take a look at it.

Now spitting, in a BDSM context makes sense to me.  There are quite a few people into giving and taking erotic humiliation.  They get off on having someone tell them that they are pitiful excuses for human beings and how crawling should be their preferred mode of transport.  And there are those that get turned on by doing that to people.  Divorce lawyers for example.  It is meant to be demeaning and dehumanizing during a scene.  “You dirty little worm.  Take that”  *spit* *slap*  “Now clean it up!”  Very reminiscent of Golden Showers.  (Another topic for another day.)

Not for everyone.  But it clearly delineates the line between the Top and Bottom.  Female to male or Male to female doesn’t really matter.  However, they weren’t doing a BDSM scene.  This was your normal end of the bed, flat on her back, Feet in the air while he stood and played for par.  So why would he be spitting on her?

My first thought is that he watches too much porn.  Not that there is such a thing as too much porn, but if you are watching it on your cell phone in church, you may want to address the issue.  It is very common in porn today to see a lot of spitting.  She is performing a blowjob, pulls back, spits on his dingledorfer and then starts sucking again.  Or he does that while licking her bajingo.  Could be lube.  Or they could just be showing how hot and bothered they are and how committed they are to getting their freak on.

Or, as a very sexy blonde with major boobage suggested, perhaps it was an attempt at sensation play.  She could envision being very worked up, burning with desire and seeing an arch of liquid jet out to splash coldly on her nipples.  Yep, she had my undivided attention right then…  How about doing some snow-fucking and spraying hot cocoa over your partner.  The whole idea is opposite sensations to increase pleasure.  I will be spending more time with this Lady.  There may be a thing or two that she can teach Ol’ Dr Tim.

Besides, after a really great sexual encounter, aren’t you covered with all kinds of body fluids everywhere?  So what’s a little spit?  Some folks will never like it, some will just go with the moment but others will get a thrill and go back for more.

Be good.  Be safe.  No spitting, spanking or humiliating unless you are both/all are into it.

Party on!

Valentine’s Day (or Get your Heart-On!)

Seriously, how could I not do a special Valentine’s Day Post?  All the other bloggers are doing it!  (And if they all jumped off a bridge, well I would double-check my bungee cord!)

Sex.  Valentine’s Day is all about sex.  No, no!  Do not even try to deny it.  You come across with the goods and they just plain cum.

Chocolates for sex or sex for diamonds it is all the same.  (G-d bless the chocolates ladies!  The Boss pays me well, but not that well!)

So let’s talk about chocolate!  Eating chocolate can simulate those warm, gooey feelings of being in love.  How?  Well, chocolate has many different chemicals in it that can really help.  For example:  The chemicals in chocolate affect levels of the body’s mood-affecting chemicals, which include serotonin, endorphins, theobromine and phenylethylamine. Serotonin is a chemical messenger in the brain that affects emotions, behavior, and thought. Endorphines are chemicals in the brain that are responsible for positive moods. Theobromine is stimulant found in cocoa which gives chocolate mood elevating effects. Phenylethylamine is a naturally occurring neuroamine which has been shown to relieve depression, increase attention and promote energy. Your body releases phenylethylamine in response to romance.

WHEW!  Science on a holiday.  I am truly a madman.  Chocolate, dark chocolate especially, contains many essential vitamins and minerals for your body’s health.    Oh, and it appears that the antioxidants in dark chocolate can increase you “good” HDL cholesterol levels.  Try to keep it to two ounces a day though.

I know, everything to excess, moderation is for monks.  But monks tend to live quite a while and you wouldn’t want to miss out on the adventure would you?

Now some of you folks out there are wondering, is it OK to indulge in anal sex or breast copulation (Tit-fucking) on Valentine’s Day?  Sure it is!  After all, what other body parts are heart-shaped?  Turn that tushie upside down and there is a beautiful heat for you to penetrate with your Cupid’s arrow.  And when you cup her breasts, ta-daaa!  Another heart shape.  Just meant to be written on with your own special ink.  Just be sure to lend a warm washcloth or whatever help she desires to clean up.

So bring home the chocolates, the flowers, the panties, the jewelry and most importantly the Doc Johnson lubricants and toys.  (Remember? I work there.)  Show your Significant Other how much you love, how much you think and how much you desire to hold them, tease them and please them.  And just maybe, if you are sincere, you will get an extra helping of good loving in return.

Hopefully, today isn’t the only day you are scheduled to have sex.  My love knows no time or date.  Heck it doesn’t even own a calendar!  But if this is the one day when the two of you can let down your defences and joyfully give yourselves to each other, do not let any one spoil your day.  For today is all about Love, which coincidentally is the story about my life. 

My life is about Love.  What’s yours?

This Sucks! (Blow is just an expression…)

WARNING:  This post contains language which may be considered unsuitable to some.  (Even though you can hear worse on basic cable.)  Do not proceed if frank talk about sex and sexuality offend you.

Music time!  Grab your favorite skin flute or fuzzy harmonica and let’s get those lips, tongues and mouths moving.

Today’s double question comes from one of my most devoted fans.  She hails from the Midwest where people know how to entertain themselves when they get snowed in during the winter.  (And even though I have given her a toy or two, she has never sent me any videos…)

It reads, “Why do women have orgasms from oral stimulation faster than penetration?”  Followed by, “What is it about giving a blowjob that a man loves?  Isn’t penetration good enough?”

Where do we begin?  Why don’t we just “go down” to it and “muff-dive” right in?

Why do women have orgasm from oral stimulation faster than penetration?

To be honest, that is not true of all women.  I have even met a woman who refuses to let her lovers go down on her.  (That means: perform cunnilingus on her.)  However, there are many possible reasons.  First, her man may just not know how to fuck.  You have to get that special pelvic thrust to lift and stimulate the clitoris as you shake, bake and rock her world.  But then, what could be better than lying back on your sofa, cool breeze wafting by, a glass of your favorite beverage in your hand, with your other hand playing lazily in the hair of the lover kneeling between your spread legs giving you pleasure?

(Excuse me, I need a quick shower!)

The mouth is such a versatile  part of the body.  It can change shape, be sharp or soft, trace the alphabet with as much or as little moisture you desire.  The penis goes in and out.  It cannot tickle the clit as well or as easily as the tongue.  A cock cannot hum your favorite tune as it vibrates, flutters and dives deep.  The tongue can slide from the tip of the clit to the sweet spider and back without someone having to guide it.  And if you enjoy being tongue-fucked, then the nose becomes a natural clitoral stimulator! 

Oh the joys of giving and getting face!  And it gives the giver an incredible view while they are down there too.  Up to nipple-peaked hills or the rolling scenery of a beautiful tush.  And have you ever considered riding a dildo or vibrator while a tongue is in action at the same time?  WHOO!!!!

In college we had a couple of teams.  Guys had buttons that said, “I’d rather lick it than stick it.”  The ladies wore, “I’d rather suck it than fuck it.”  So you see, some people just prefer oral sex to genital/anal intercourse.  And there is nothing wrong with that!  The simple answer?  Oral sex is AWESOME!

Which leads me to my insight about men.  Straight or Gay, we all want our dicks sucked.

Why?  For all of the reasons listed above!  Vaginal/anal intercourse is amazing.  The burning hot juices of your lady (or the tight pulsing walls of the anus) scorching the skin of your penis just makes us crazy.  However, I have yet to meet a vagina that can swallow a penis and lick the balls at the same time.  Yes, men love to have their balls licked.  It is a feeling that I simply cannot describe adequately.  And the fact that you can play with our scrotum while you suck just puts us into system overload.  The many variations of manipulations feel so good.  No wonder why we are always playing with ourselves.

Analingus:  I feel that I should mention analingus, also called salad-tossing, kissing the barking spider or rimjobs, here.  Analingus is, of course, the licking, kissing, sucking of the anus.  This is a real turn-on for many and a major turn-off for others.  It can be an excellent pre-anal sex appetizer as well as a post-anal sex treat.  I know several folks that can climax just by receiving a good rimjob.  Personally, I feel that the entire body of your partner should be kissed and loved.  But I understand if you feel differently.

Please note: If taste is a problem, Doc Johnson (who pays me frequently) sells many products to alter your lover’s flavor.  Just a dab of Goodhead, Body Drops or Lick-Me-Licker will add a delightful burst of flavor to your tongue.  And for those adventurous types, look for Wendy William’s Salad-Tossing Spray.  One spritz and you will be begging for more.  Don’t be shy, buy and try them all!

Now someone mentioned to me that it is odd that a woman would ask why she orgasms more easily during oral sex but wonders why penetration is not enough for a man.  Lots of folks feel that way.  Sure it is great to give as good as you get, but if both parties are happy, who cares?  Lick and let lick I always say.  (Unless I don’t.)

After all, isn’t it better to give than receive?

See you all next time when we enter the magical world of female squirters!  Send your comments, questions, home-made videos to: drtim@quantumcogitation.com

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