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Summer Sex (or, Pass the BBQ Sauce!)

Summertime and the living is easy!

Oh the sights, sounds and smells of summer.  Scantily clothed people, moans through the screens and the sweet smell of BBQ wafting through the air.  Now I know that there is a big divide between charcoal and propane users, however that is not our focus today.

We’re talking BBQ Sex!  If you think about it, BBQ is quite a bit like sexual smorgasbord.  It has everything for oral, anal and kink.  A little back story: While working at my desk this morning my gaze wandered over to my box of Altoids.  Many of you are familiar with those “curiously strong mints” and their many uses in sexual matters.  Well, thinking how nice they are after having a potent lunch, I thought about BBQ.  And if this has never happened to you, sorry but many has been the time when my partner and I have been enjoying grilled ribs with corn on the cob that bones have been thrown to the side, mouths rush together with searching tongues and all fun breaks loose!  Nobody worries about garlic breath then, do they?

Marinades are like mental foreplay.  They start by soaking things with spices and herbs in preparation of sizzling action.  Mental foreplay is usually best when like marinading, it takes place overnight.  That gives everyone/thing time to prepare and the hunger grows.  Antici………..

Pation.

Physical foreplay is next.  Start heating up your grill.  So sweet when your meat slides into something firecracker hot.  Remind me to send a card to my first wife, she had the hottest I ever experienced.  Listen to that meat sizzle.  Smells so good.  Sounds so good.  Can’t wait to put it in your mouth.  So let’s do side dishes.

OK, this may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but I knew a fine lady who could butter the corn with her tongue.  Yes, instead of a knife she used her tongue covered in butter.  Sometimes she would use her lips to make sure the butter was spread evenly.  😉  This works equally on all veggies.  Asparagus and oh what she could do with roasted potatoes.  By this time your BBQ sauce is getting hot and the meat is ready to be turned.  I know you want to flip it as many times as possible, but patience grasshopper.  Good BBQ takes time, go low and slow.

Time to eat!  Maybe you started by tossing some salad.  Love tossing salad!  Even with dressing already on it.  Dig in!  Enjoy those grilled potatoes and corn.  The ribs are so good that the meat just falls into your mouth and that sauce is bone-sucking good.  Always swallow the sauce.

Feel that warmth in your belly?  It’s getting good now.  Maybe some fresh strawberries (Oxnard strawberries are the best!) and fresh whipped cream.  Lick the cream and enjoy that firm, red berry.

Screw it!  Toss the food and grab your partner!  Make creative use of the BBQ tools.  That spatula is great for spanking.  Drive that summer experience home and head for the pool!

Amazing what happens in that pool.  Right Elaine?  Enjoy your summer, enjoy the outdoors and take your fine Doc Johnson sex toys and lubes with you!  Oh, we don’t sell Altoids, but try these fine mints which are available at your favorite store.

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Automatic Orgasm (Or, Ring My Chimes!)

How I love when science moves towards filling our expectations.  I mean, sure it is 2014 and I don’t have a flying car yet, but this is almost as good.

Seems that scientists in the US have patented an implant that would give women an orgasm at the touch of a button.  I know, right?  There is a lot of orgasmic dysfunction out there in the world and many women have problems reaching climax.  Any number of issues can cause this problem.  One of them, apparently, is that with similar physical responses women can confuse arousal with fear which makes them want to avoid the situation.  Therapy is available, but guess what, Valium can delay orgasm.  Who knew?  We could talk about the causes of orgasmic dysfunction until the cows come home and still not have scratched the surface.

So let’s move on to the discovery.  A North Carolina surgeon, Stuart Meloy, got the idea when he was performing a spinal pain-relief operation on a woman.  The patient stays alert during the operation so that the surgeon can plant the electrodes in the best position.  Apparently he found her sweet spot as she orgasmed on the operating table.  Clinical trails should begin later this year.

Dr. Meloy began working with Medtronic and developed the device.  Right now, it is just smaller than a pack of cigarettes and would be implanted in the buttocks.  Then you get a nifty remote to trigger it.  This is just as invasive as getting a pacemaker, so they would like to limit it to extreme cases.

Like that’s going to happen.  He also wants to program it to limit how much it can be used.  Not gonna happen either.  If it is successful, they will become as popular as breast implants.  Everyone is going to want one.  I imagine as time goes on, the device will get smaller and smaller and be much easier to obtain.  Who wouldn’t want Orgasms on Tap?  And can you imagine unending multiple orgasms?  Some women will never get out of bed again!

They haven’t tested it on men yet, but expect similar results.

What do you think?  Aid or the end of humanity?  Everyone should have orgasms, but they are more fun together.  Let’s keep hooking up people!  And while you are doing that, I will be trying to figure out how to get Doc Johnson’s name on that thing.  Or at least the universal remote…

Now’s where my flying car?

Valentine’s Day (Or, We still do this? Really?)

Ah, Valentine’s Day!

The perfect time to rekindle romance with your significant other and bask in the glories of love.

Or least do some serious snuggling since your electricity went out in the recent storm and they estimate your power won’t be back on until March.

But here in Sunny Southern California, it is all about the Love.

Love is patient, Love is kind.  Love is taking it from behind.  Oh come on!  This is all about sex and you know it.  Whether you are with the one you love, the group you love or you are just loving on yourself, someone is putting out today.  Not to sound jaded, but all the signs have been there for years.  Roses to show that she is rare, delicate and fragile.  (You see, you bring them home like ancient men would bring home a mastodon steak or something.  You are the big, strong protector with a gentle side.)  Chocolate to help put you in the mood.  (Remember consuming large quantities of chocolate fire up the same brain centers as the feeling of love.)  Champagne because candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker!  Fancy dinners out so your partner can dress up, fell sexy and notice how everyone looks at them with a hunger in their eyes.  And a card because, well, not too sure why a card.  You’ll have to ask Hallmark.  Although it may have something to do with turning a valentine heart upside down makes it look like a sweet ass or bodacious set of boobs…

Add it all up and you guys will be feeling sexy as fuck.  And that was your end goal in the first place!

Now, both of you are ready, in the mood and raring to go.  Stop a moment.  After everything you two have done for each other today, bed time should be special time.  A special time where you are both willing to please each other and maybe do that thing they always wanted.  But how?

Enter the Doctor.  Doc Johnson specifically.  We make all the toys, lubes and lotions you will need to make this night really stand out in your diary.  Break out the vibrators, dildos and strap-ons.  Use ’em on her than let her use ’em on you!  That’s right.  Time to go places you’ve never told anyone that you have already been.  Who knows?  They may like it.  Or call you a sick freak of a pervert, but nothing ventured, nothing gained.  But do you really want or need a partner who won’t get down and dirty with you?    Besides, they probably already know but are waiting on you to make the move.  And for you solo artists; we love you too!  use something special as you fap to internet porn or your favorite romantic movie/book.

Note: Dr. Tim is not a sick freak of a pervert.  I am delightfully uninhibited!

Check out www.docjohnson.com.  You cannot buy from our site, but you can see all of the wonders we made just for you.  Ask for them by name at your local adult retailer or one of the fine internet stores.

So today, remember to be tender, loving and romantic.  It pays off in the end.  Or your end…

Black Roses (or, We Haz Them)

How was your Valentines Day?  Did you get any?

C’mon, even married people get laid on Valentines Day.  It is practically the law.  (Federal law, it is much more than a state thing.)

You didn’t? well, even women get blue balls…

Blue Balls.  We Has ‘Em.  However, they are the amazing Blooming Ben Wa Balls in the brilliant Black Rose line by Doc Johnson!

If they turn this color, OUCH!

If they turn this color, OUCH!

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Now that sounds like much more fun, doesn’t it?

Yes, Valentines Day is much like Bondage & Discipline.  You always hurt the one you love.  And boy, at Doc Johnson do we have some classy ways to do it too.  We’ve got everything!  Harnesses, cuffs, strap-ons, paddles, whips and other weapons of ass destruction.  Spice up your love life.  These can be used in any room of the house.  This is a very nice selection of products.  Wanna see some more pictures?  Me too!

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So you are probably thinking, “Strap-ons are über-cool!  But is that the only thrill available for anal pleasure?”

Fear not my bung-loving lovers.  We have some amazing purple butt plugs for you in the very same Black Rose line.  (Yes, purple product in Black Rose.  Bruises often turn purple before they go black.  Won’t tell you exactly how I know, but I’m sure you can find the videos on-line.  Can’t you, you little web-monkeys?)

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And what’s that?  An AMAZING lubricant from Good Old Dr Tim’s research lab!  What a wonderful world!  Remember:  Doc Johnson lubes help you get in and get back out easily, smoothly and with oh so much pleasure!

It is not too late!  Since here and now we are alive, go get some of those great Doc Johnson toys and lubes!  Show yourself or your significant other(s) how much you care.  Tie them up or let yourself be tied up to let your imagination soar.  Imagine how you will please your bound beauty.  Or how they will please you.  Life is good.  Seize the Day!

As for Dr Tim?  Just keep those cards, letters, pictures and videos coming in!  You inspire me.  Yes you do.  After all, how do you think I test all these lubes and potions?  My only thoughts are about you.

And while I am not sure this is what Linda Ronstadt was thinking about when she recorded her album Living in the USA back in 1978, just send me Black Roses…

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Advanced Research! (or, Come and knock on our door…)

Greetings Earthlings!  (And a cheerful “Howdy” to all of my off-world fans!)

As you know, Dr Tim takes his job very seriously.

Today as I was studying a trade journal, I ran across an interesting article with a very interesting concept.  It seems that a major brand of chips was going to launch some new packaging and they wanted a specific feel to go with it.  Here is a short blurb about their strategy:

“…As part of the research process, the corporate team actually partied with consumers in their own homes, versus focus group testing, to immerse themselves in what defines a party. Part of this included observing what resonates with consumers based on the visual influencers in their environment, in addition to what they served, what other brands they identified with, and how they entertained…”

WOW!

Can you see where I am going with this?

In order to help me help you, I am willing to get down with you in your own home, to discover what defines “sex” to you.  I will observe what influences your bedroom behaviour, what you use and what items you identify with during sex.

That’s right!  You too can have Dr Tim join you in your bedroom in the interest of science!  I will lend a hand, steady the ladder and make notes about your preferred lube for butt-fucking, which dildo you like or do you want a strap-on?  Do you use any flavoring enhancers during blow jobs or kitty licking?  What about rimming?  Don’t forget about the rimming!

And there is always Fifty Shades of WHOO-HOO!!!  Whip me, beat me, feel me, fuck me, bite me, burn me, cum on my tits and get on with your life!

I will be there for you so that the Mighty Doc Johnson can address your needs even more directly than before…

You will think we designed these toys just for you and you know what?  You will be one hundred percent correct.

So let me know if you are ready to enter the world of scientific research.  We’ll meet in your bedroom, backroom, garage, alley, dungeon or wherever.  I’ll be the one with the lab coat, camcorder and big smile.

It’s on Baby.  It’s on!

(Mothers of five-year olds must secure a sitter before actual action ensues…)

‘Tis The Season! (or, Gimmie, Gimmie!)

Ah, the holidays!

What a wonderful time to look back, review your year and make the appropriate adjustments so that the coming year is even better.  You become a better person, the type of person you had always hoped that you would be when you grew up.  Kind, generous, respected and well-loved.

Time to get nostalgic about family, friends, lost or found loves.  Tradition.

Speaking of tradition, WHAT DID YOU GET ME?????

Most of you were nice.  Some of you were very naughty.  And a few of you were nicely naughty and sent Dr Tim pictures and videos of yourselves using your fine Doc Johnson toys and lubricants!  Warms my heart.  Truly!  No cash, but a warm fuzzy feeling like when she hasn’t shaved for a week or so.

So how was your year?  Did you finally find a woman who was “all-access?”  Did you find a man who wasn’t threatened by your toys or that strap-on dildo you bought?

My year was great.  Here at Doc Johnson we had some very successful shows including a spectacular one at Hustler Hollywood!  It was all about the Wonderland.

It was AMAZING!

It was AMAZING!

Other awesome stuff happened too.  Great folks getting their body parts molded, like James Deen and Vicky Vette.  It was an incredibly exciting year!

And wait until you see 2013!  We have new toys and new lubricants coming out that will blow your mind.  And help you get blown as well.

I mean, after all, what are the holidays without a heaping dose of holiday sex?

Someone asked the other day if I had a favorite sex toy.  Of course I do!  It’s Debi Diamond!  (A kind gentle soul who is sexy and kinky to the core.  Now if I could get her and Christy Canyon at the same time…)

What better gift to give a loved one, or stranger, than a long slow blowjob or maybe some anal sex?  Men and women around the globe would love to receive those presents.  Many at the same time.  Ever been to an out-of-control office party?  Like that only everyone keeps their jobs.

And Doc Johnson is there to supply all of your sexual accessories.  Your orientation doesn’t matter, we have what you need.  All types of dildos, vibrators, masturbators, lubes and lotions.  We help make the season bright.  Or turn off the lights, we are just happy to be there with you.

So don’t be selfish this season.  Give orgasms to everyone you meet.  And maybe you will receive a few of your own.  No matter the fetish or form, we are here for you.

And like Dr Tim always says, unless he doesn’t, “I don’t judge.  I just want to hold the camcorder.”

Merry Christmas everyone!  And until next year, enjoy your ho, ho, hos!

 

Boobs! (or, What are you thinking about right now?)

“Sweetie, what are you thinking about right now?”

“Well Darling, there isn’t a game on so I am thinking about boobs.’  (Famous Last Words)

And I am, unless I am thinking about pussy or ass.  Maybe about how good a blowjob would feel right now.

You are correct, Dear Readers, these are not appropriate answers when you get hit by “The Question” by your Significant Other.

In fact, this question is almost worse than the “We Need to Talk” statement.  Not quite, but almost.

Now I know that all of you have well-rounded lives with great jobs, community work, charity work and being a pillar of your House of Worship whichever that may be.  But guess what?  We all think about boobs.  Even women think about boobs!  I am very pro-boob and I am not afraid to say it.

So where am I going with all of this?  Everyone thinks about sex.  It is in just about everyone’s top five list of obsessions.  Or in my case the top two, I do love cheeseburgers.

Consider this, we all think about sex.  A lot really.  And that leads to uncomfortable situations.  Who hasn’t been caught checking someone out?  Male, female, straight, gay, lesbian, bi, trans, everyone has been busted.  It could be boobs, a bulging package or the way that ass moves under that sheer sun dress.  It could be a piece of jewelry or a particular shade of lipstick.  Even a fragrance can take you there.

https://quantumcogitation.com/2009/12/11/always-sniffing-around-or-smell-my-fetish/

And it could take your thoughts to uninhibited states of fantasy activities.  Strap-ons, anal sex, oral sex, threesome, moresome, orgies or your handy Official Doc Johnson devices and lubes.  Oh, do buy lots of Official Doc Johnson toys and lubes.  If it is better than Cock, it came from the Doc!

The brain is an amazing organ where your mind constructs new realities and worlds where the impossible can happen.  I have this little dream where Eva Mendez comes over to bake chocolate chip cookies with me and…

That is when you get busted.  Men are caught with a small smile and a growing chubby.  Women stand up and everyone looks for the velcro they just heard.  (Are you sitting in a puddle or are you just happy to see me?)

And most of the time, it is a fair cop.  Now I just happen to have a great job where I not only to have to think about sex constantly, but I have to think about making it better or longer-lasting, or tastier.  Yep.  To use business-speak, I need to maximize your sensory experience during erotic interludes.  In other words, Me make bouncy-bouncy more bouncy!

So yes, I think about sex a lot.  Almost as much as a teenager with the exception that I know what I am doing.  I hope.  https://quantumcogitation.com/2008/10/15/the-amazing-clitoris/

Other times it is an unfortunate frustration.  I was caught checking out a young college lady and was scolded for being a dirty old pervert.  One, I am not dirty.  I shower every day.  Two, I am not that old.  If it were true, I would have smiled and been about my business.  When I am busted for silently perving, I admit it and ask how they busted me.  Were they thinking the same things?

However that one time was different.  The young lady in question was the daughter of an old girlfriend from college.  She looked so much like her Mom did in college that it made me smile, remembering those happy days.

It isn’t always about sex.  It just usually is…

So what’s on your naughty mind?  Drop me a line and let me know!  My email and twiiter are over there to the right somewhere.

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