Happy National Masturbation Month.
You aren’t a wanker, you are involved in a world-wide celebration! (Back to the title, I am not jerking you around. Do your own jerking! My hands are full.)
This week, we will look into the wonderful world of male masturbation. You know, jerking off, choking the chicken, dating Rosie Palm and her five Daughters, whipping the weasel (my favorite euphemism), pocket pool, spanking the monkey, drubbing, whatever you call it the result is the same. Endorphins, feeling great, taking a nap and more sticky, dirty laundry. Gotta love those cashmere sweat socks.
So how do we do it? Now that I think about it, how don’t we do it?
You can stroke yourself using your dominant hand, or use your other hand which makes your cock feel bigger, or you can sit on your hand until it goes numb before you use it. That one is called “The Stranger.” Which is great if you are short on time or in a hurry. Which is fine. Masturbation relieves stress, eases the mind, it gets your body’s hormones running normally and it can help you relax or even fall asleep. Masturbation is a very important part of our lives. But as with intercourse, we like to dress it up and play a little.
As you may recall, I am employed by the mighty Doc Johnson! You have seen their toys everywhere and if you made it to the credits in a porn movie most of the time you will see a line “Toys Courtesy of Doc Johnson.” And we have everything you need for your self-love exploration! We have lubricants, pocket pussies, vibrators, cock rings, prostate massagers and more! (For more about cock rings see: https://quantumcogitation.com/2011/04/29/cock-rings-or-heavy-metal-for-your-junk/)
What’s that? You’re a guy and don’t need a vibrator? Maybe you don’t, but would it hurt to try? Here’s the thing. Vibrations can help you loosen up and relax. But it can also stir your libido and create a “Dance in Your Pants!” There are a couple of ways you can do this.
First, take a vibrating bullet, turn it on and tuck it between your butt cheeks right against your anus. Sit or lie down and enjoy. Feel the non-threatening vibration? Feels good. Stress is draining right out of your body. Your eyes half close when the thought of Eva Mendez topless crosses your mind. Now you are becoming erect and the buzz is feeding your erection. Reach down and begin to stroke. Oh yeah! Nothing beats an orgasm while your prostate is being massaged. You probably haven’t shot that far since you college.
Now if you are more adventurous, try a direct prostate massager.
Totally Awesome!
You will need some good lube. Use lots.
Water-based but feels like silicone!
Now gently slide it into place. As you stroke your cock you will feel it rub against your prostate. You haven’t been that hard since when? You will think that your teeth will be sucked through your body at orgasm. There is even a vibrating version of the prostate massager too! What are you waiting for? Go get some!
And some guys like the feeling of a regular vibrator or dildo sliding in and out of their asshole. You could get a strap-on dildo and harness for your pillow! Different stokes for different folks. More power to them! (Remember this one: https://quantumcogitation.com/2008/08/29/strap-it-on/)
Beside vibrators, there are other great things to help us paint the ceiling. Ever heard of a Pocket Pussy? These are great little handheld strokers that can be shaped like a pussy, asshole or mouth. Fantastic! Some are even molded from some of your favorite porn stars like Vicky Vette, Sasha Grey or Belladonna.
Not only is she a hot fuck, she is a beautiful person inside.
Get your lube. I know that some of you guys are still using Vaseline or Baby Lotion. Get with the program! If your partner comes over for a quickie, do they want baby lotion inside? What is they are allergic to the fragrance. Be a man. Buy some lube. Slide into the stroker and well, stroke! But be careful you will probably shoot out of the other end through the cleaning hole, so have tissue, towels or a willing mouth handy.
Now as you may have guessed, Dr Tim has experiment with these things. Oh how he has experimented! For a tighter grip, I like to put the pocket pussy between my mattress and box springs. That way, I can turn the pages of the magazine, use the remote to fast forward through the awkward talking bits of the video or spank those pillows! Yeah, take it bed! Take it all! Every last inch Baby! Although I admit spanking the pillows does not have quite the same satisfying sound…
So, we’ve covered the cock, prostate and ass. I’d like to take a few moments to talk about your balls.
Your balls need love too. Some guys like to have them gripped, pulled, tugged, twisted or vibrated. Yes, we can help. You could take one of those super stretchy cock rings and put your scrotum through it. It will be snug, but the super stretchy ones allow blood flow so your crown jewels are relatively safe. Have you ever cum when your balls can’t retract? Your eyes will bug out! And you can take one of those super stretchy vibrating cock rings and put it on so that the vibrator is behind your balls! Now you have the grip and the vibration. Does a scrotum good!
Of course you can get really fancy by attaching a short leash from the ring around your balls to the clamps on your nipples to keep you from straightening up as a fucking machine strokes your prostate, the motion driving your cock into the stroker under your mattress while being blindfolded wearing a pair of panties. Not sure how that snuck into my head, but it could happen!
But take care of your balls!
Will have the women lining up to be tea-bagged!
Buy some Nice Nuggets. It is a light lotion that turns to powder. It will keep your boys dry and comfortable all day long whether you are a horse jockey or a desk jockey. Smells manly too. So give the boys a coat. Feel around, enjoy your balls! Avoid the crotch pot cooking and maybe your partner will be too busy using your junk for you to masturbate.
Next week: Female Masturbation: Truth or Fiction?
Quantum Cogitation 