To Completion… (or Spitters are Quitters!)

Most of my readers out there are a wee bit younger than me.  But back in the old days before the interwebs, we had swinger magazines.  Basically people would send in ads where they advertised what they wanted sexually.  Then others would buy the magazine, read the ads, circle the ones that made them masturbate, write a reply letter, seal it in an envelope with the ad number on it, put that in another envelope addressed to the swinger magazine, mail it and wait for a reply and hopefully a nude picture.  WHEW!  It could take three to four weeks to make a hook-up.  That’s a  lot of mental foreplay right there.

But we aren’t talking about swinger magazines today.  However, there was a phrase used in many of those ads that will lead us to today’s topic.  That phrase was “French to Completion.”

“French” is what we used as a polite euphemism for oral sex.  And “To Completion” meant performing oral sex all the way to orgasm.  Not just a quick suck here or half-hearted lick there, but an honest-to-goodness, all-out, no holds barred blowjob from start to gooey finish and beyond.  Back in the 70’s, I never met a girl who didn’t swallow.  I mean, it was proper etiquette!  (Side note: As randy young adults, someone ordering french dressing for their salad would send the table into uncontrollable snorts and giggles.)

Swallow what?

You know what I am talking about here.  We are talking about semen, sperm, cum, jizz, protein shake, man chowder, baby batter, ball butter, pearl jam, nut nectar…

Today I hear the question, “Swallow, spit or dodge?”  And I believe that all cocksuckers have the right to make that choice.  After all, if someone is willing to suck your cock until you are ready to explode, well, cherish them!  Marry them if you can legally!  As a man with multiple ex-wives The Good Doctor can tell you that a lot of arguments would never happen if there was more cocksucking happening.  Free tip for my next wife: I can put up with doilies, pink bathrooms, frilly sheets, new curtains and a whole lot of crap if you are blowing me frequently.

So one might wonder why all women (or men that are so inclined) do not always swallow our load.  There are many reasons.

They don’t like the taste.  We can fix that!  There are flavored bj potions that make the cock sweeter.  We will drink pineapple juice every day, quit smoking and eat healthier if you promise to blow us.  (Cinnamon is good too!)  And please note, there are no taste buds in the back of your throat…

The texture is weird.  Have you ever eaten flan, sushi or jello in milk?  Now you are being a bit silly.

What is it anyway?  Now there is a valid question!  What is in that pearly, life-giving nectar?

I am going to keep this simple here so all you MD’s who write to me keep a lid on it.  Semen has basically two components: sperm and seminal fluid.  Each time you cum, you ejaculate 200 to 500 million sperm which only constitutes a couple percent of your load.  It is mostly seminal fluid which provides food, energy and protection for the sperm cells.  The vaginal canal is an extremely hostile environment for sperm.  So sperm needs to be protected by its super juice.  The seminal fluid has so many things in it for so many reasons that I will only hit the high points.  It has amino acids, hormones, proteins, zinc, enzymes, lipids, sugars and so much more!  And every component is important to achieve the sperm’s ultimate goal of impregnation.

Cum is fattening!  Sorry, but no it isn’t.  Now the amount of calories will depend on the man’s diet, his age, how recently he orgasmed and a few other factors.  However, a teaspoon sized serving of semen contains roughly 5-7 calories.  That’s right!  You can swallow it all day and not gain weight.  You would have to swallow over 115 teaspoons of cum to equal the calories of one Big Mac (576) or sixteen teaspoons to equal one serving of Dannon Light & Fit non-fat Blueberry yogurt (80).

Let’s pull up the psychological armchairs now.  Based on my personal experience, I would rather that my tantric engineer either swallows or dodges.  Swallowing is my preference because in my mind, I am my cum.  And swallowing it means you accept me and appreciate me.  Dodging is cool because I love to see my cum dripping from erect nipples or filling a belly button.  (But Not In My Hair!)  That also indicates acceptance.  You may not want to swallow me, but you will wear me.  That is very heart-warming.

But to spit?  That is total rejection.  It means that you only accept me grudgingly and that you do not appreciate anything that I give you.  Sounds strange, but spitting out my cum is very offensive to me.  Now if you have an allergic reaction to semen and it does exist, I would always be wearing a condom and you should have no objection to my cumming while you suck.  After all, it is safely contained.

And maybe that is the best answer for anyone in a new relationship or have a partner that just does not want to deal with our ejaculate.  Because if you are willing to fellate us early and often, we will do everything in our power to make the experience as good for you as we possibly can.  (Lick our balls too, ok?)  Because we want you to keep fellating us!  Really, we do!

After all, nothing says love more than “To Completion.”

National Masturbation Month Part 1 (I’m not jerking you around here!)

Happy National Masturbation Month.

You aren’t a wanker, you are involved in a world-wide celebration!  (Back to the title, I am not jerking you around.  Do your own jerking!  My hands are full.)

This week, we will look into the wonderful world of male masturbation.  You know, jerking off, choking the chicken, dating Rosie Palm and her five Daughters, whipping the weasel (my favorite euphemism), pocket pool, spanking the monkey, drubbing, whatever you call it the result is the same.  Endorphins, feeling great, taking a nap and more sticky, dirty laundry.  Gotta love those cashmere sweat socks.

So how do we do it?  Now that I think about it, how don’t we do it?

You can stroke yourself using your dominant hand, or use your other hand which makes your cock feel bigger, or you can sit on your hand until it goes numb before you use it.  That one is called “The Stranger.”  Which is great if you are short on time or in a hurry.  Which is fine.  Masturbation relieves stress, eases the mind, it gets your body’s hormones running normally and it can help you relax or even fall asleep.  Masturbation is a very important part of our lives.  But as with intercourse, we like to dress it up and play a little.

As you may recall, I am employed by the mighty Doc Johnson!  You have seen their toys everywhere and if you made it to the credits in a porn movie most of the time you will see a line “Toys Courtesy of Doc Johnson.”  And we have everything you need for your self-love exploration!  We have lubricants, pocket pussies, vibrators, cock rings, prostate massagers and more!  (For more about cock rings see:

What’s that?  You’re a guy and don’t need a vibrator?  Maybe you don’t, but would it hurt to try?  Here’s the thing.  Vibrations can help you loosen up and relax.  But it can also stir your libido and create a “Dance in Your Pants!”  There are a couple of ways you can do this.

First, take a vibrating bullet, turn it on and tuck it between your butt cheeks right against your anus.  Sit or lie down and enjoy.  Feel the non-threatening vibration?  Feels good.  Stress is draining right out of your body.  Your eyes half close when the thought of Eva Mendez topless crosses your mind.  Now you are becoming erect and the buzz is feeding your erection.  Reach down and begin to stroke.  Oh yeah!  Nothing beats an orgasm while your prostate is being massaged.  You probably haven’t shot that far since you college.

Now if you are more adventurous, try a direct prostate massager.

Totally Awesome!

You will need some good lube.  Use lots.

Water-based but feels like silicone!

Now gently slide it into place.  As you stroke your cock you will feel it rub against your prostate.  You haven’t been that hard since when?  You will think that your teeth will be sucked through your body at orgasm.  There is even a vibrating version of the prostate massager too!  What are you waiting for?  Go get some!

And some guys like the feeling of a regular vibrator or dildo sliding in and out of their asshole.  You could get a strap-on dildo and harness for your pillow!  Different stokes for different folks.  More power to them!  (Remember this one:

Beside vibrators, there are other great things to help us paint the ceiling.  Ever heard of a Pocket Pussy?  These are great little handheld strokers that can be shaped like a pussy, asshole or mouth.  Fantastic!  Some are even molded from some of your favorite porn stars like Vicky Vette, Sasha Grey or Belladonna.

Not only is she a hot fuck, she is a beautiful person inside.

Get your lube.  I know that some of you guys are still using Vaseline or Baby Lotion.  Get with the program!  If your partner comes over for a quickie, do they want baby lotion inside?  What is they are allergic to the fragrance.  Be a man.  Buy some lube.  Slide into the stroker and well, stroke!  But be careful you will probably shoot out of the other end through the cleaning hole, so have tissue, towels or a willing mouth handy.

Now as you may have guessed, Dr Tim has experiment with these things.  Oh how he has experimented!  For a tighter grip, I like to put the pocket pussy between my mattress and box springs.  That way, I can turn the pages of the magazine, use the remote to fast forward through the awkward talking bits of the video or spank those pillows!  Yeah, take it bed!  Take it all!  Every last inch Baby!  Although I admit spanking the pillows does not have quite the same satisfying sound…

So, we’ve covered the cock, prostate and ass.  I’d like to take a few moments to talk about your balls.

Your balls need love too.  Some guys like to have them gripped, pulled, tugged, twisted or vibrated.  Yes, we can help.  You could take one of those super stretchy cock rings and put your scrotum through it.  It will be snug, but the super stretchy ones allow blood flow so your crown jewels are relatively safe.  Have you ever cum when your balls can’t retract?  Your eyes will bug out!  And you can take one of those super stretchy vibrating cock rings and put it on so that the vibrator is behind your balls!  Now you have the grip and the vibration.  Does a scrotum good!

Of course you can get really fancy by attaching a short leash from the ring around your balls to the clamps on your nipples to keep you from straightening up as a fucking machine strokes your prostate, the motion driving your cock into the stroker under your mattress while being blindfolded wearing a pair of panties.  Not sure how that snuck into my head, but it could happen!

But take care of your balls!

Will have the women lining up to be tea-bagged!

Buy some Nice Nuggets.  It is a light lotion that turns to powder.  It will keep your boys dry and comfortable all day long whether you are a horse jockey or a desk jockey.  Smells manly too.  So give the boys a coat.  Feel around, enjoy your balls!  Avoid the crotch pot cooking and maybe your partner will be too busy using your junk for you to masturbate.

Next week: Female Masturbation: Truth or Fiction?

Interesting Question! (Caution, naughtiness ahead!)

“So Tim, is this too big for someone to get up their butt?”  

What an interesting question to start my day.  So let’s get ahead by getting a little behind…  

Anal sex.  Now that is one hotly contested topic.  You may remember that I briefly mentioned backdoor activities last month.  (  

Or you may remember my brief discourse about men on the receiving end of a strap-on.  (  

Good memories, good times.  So let’s roll up our sleeves and really get into it now.  If this topic bothers you, here is something to keep you occupied.  

Look deeply into my eyes.

  For the rest of us, let’s take a close look at the anus, rectum and points north.  Here is a brief, unromantic diagram of said region.  

  To accomplish anal intercourse, we have to get past the exterior sphincter, through the anus, past the interior sphincter, through the anal canal, getting past the Dentate line and into the rectum!  Whew!  Anyone have a GPS ready?  OK, I know that everyone knows, or thinks they know what they are doing.  But honestly, a lot of you don’t.  (If I had a nickel for every woman nodding her head right now…)  

 The anus has quite a concentration of nerve endings and that can bring either great pain or great joy depending on your approach.  The anterior wall of the rectum leads to prostate massage in men and tickles the vaginal canal in women.  While the external sphincter is a voluntary muscle which we can contract or relax, the interior sphincter muscle is involuntary.  That means you really cannot control it.  So we need to spend some time on figuring out how to make it relax.  And as always, we have options:  

 1) Brute force, just ram it home.  DO NOT DO THIS!!!!  Who are you kidding?  That only plays in story books.  To force the anal sphincter complex open can cause a lot of damage.  It can cause tearing, bleeding, damage to the sphincters leaving you incontinent, if misguided potentially perforate the intestinal walls.  Which could lead a nasty little thing called death.  Let’s not go there, let’s keep this safe, sane and consensual (SSC).  

 2) Get them drunk!  Oh come on people!  DON”T DO THIS!!!  If one or the other partner is impaired by one substance or another, you can have the same injuries listed in item number one.  Either they won’t feel if something has gone wrong or you may not be attentive to their situation.  Either way, bad.  

 While there is nothing wrong with a glass of wine or a drink or two, stay alert if you are going to participate in risky types of sexual behaviour.  It needs to be fun, not traumatic.  No need to call those men in white jackets even if ambulance sirens turn you on.  They really aren’t interested in what you were doing anyway.  

3) Anal desensitizers.   Yep, they exist.  Heck we even sell them!  Usually they are a gel, cream or spray that contains lidocaine or benzocaine.  These are often used in anorectal drugs to ease the pain of hemorrhoids.  Now, these work very well, but they are not my first choice.  If over-used, you may not feel any “bad” pain if it occurs.  And I have always wondered, why engage in anal sex if you don’t want to feel it? So…  

 4) Warming lubes.  Yes, we sell those too!  Remember what it feels like when you get a hot oil massage?  You melt under that person’s hands.  Well, this is very similar.  Gentle caressing with the product warming your anus and your partner’s attention warming your heart.  You will probably open up like a blooming rose.  Hard, nasty anal sex is great if you are experienced and in the mood, but if you are just beginning your anal explorations, you need a lot of prep time, care and gentleness.  

 OK, lubricants.  Yes the anal tract is a mucosal membrane so there is a certain degree of lubrication available naturally.  But you should add some more.  Lots more!  So much so that you need a new bottle every time!  (Did I mention that my company sells lubricants?  Thought so.  Daddy needs to get paid!)  

 Seriously, use lots.  I prefer silicone lubes, but whatever floats your boat.  Anyone remember how Crisco sales jumped when fisting became all the rage?  

 5)  Oh yeah, rimming helps.  We can talk about that in a later post.

  So we are in!  Now with the anal canal and rectum, you have a comfortable six inches for penetration.  Stroke away to your heart’s content.  And hopefully to your partner’s orgasm!   Here are a couple of diagrams to show you where to find the anus on a male or female.  

 Now that we have covered that, how large of an item can you stick your butt?  From some videos that I have seen, really, really big!  I have seen baseball bats, arms up to the shoulder (not recommended), champagne bottles, fruit/vegetables of all kinds and a football.  I guess the real question is not how large of an item can I stick up my butt, but do I want to spend my life wearing diapers?  Yes, extreme anal stretching can lead to having an orifice that can no longer close or even prolapse.  Prolapse is when the insides come outside. 

If you keep your anal insertions limited to finger/penis/hand size, you can keep your stuff tight with kegel exercises.  Yes they work for the ass as well as the vagina!  Squeeze those muscles tight, count to ten, release and repeat.  A few sets of ten daily and you will be able to peel a banana!  Even though if you have anal sex even once, your doctor will know the next time he takes a look down there.  So, really, there are no secrets from your doctor.   

I talk too much, but when it comes to anal sex, the two or more of you had better talk everything out so you know what is going to happen.  And please, wash thoroughly, douche your tush, wash whatever was inserted up the butt before inserting it somewhere else and please do not engage in ATM or ATV activities.    

Leave that to the pros.