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Airing the Orchid (or Women are Wankers Too!)

Where does the time go?  It seems like I just started celebrating National Masturbation Month and time evaporated.  But no matter how much I whip the weasel, I always return.  Lucky for you the store ran out of oysters!

So let’s talk about the Ladies.  Wait a minute!  Women don’t masturbate.  They never audition the finger puppets, bruise the peach, check for squirrels, diddle the skittle, flick the bean, jill-off, tease the kitten and never engage in genital stimulation via phalangetic motions.   Bullspit!  Ladies have been checking the chowder since they were young.  Oh sure, she may have had a pillow named Lief or a blanket named Shaun, but she was always thinking of you.  Really!  Would a Woman lie?

So how do women masturbate?  There doesn’t seem to be anything that she could really grab and play with effectively.  After all didn’t Rodney Dangerfield say, “As a kid we were so poor that if I hadn’t been born a boy I wouldn’t have had anything to play with!”  Leads one to believe that if he did get a lot of pussy, he had no idea how to treat it.

Let’s see a show of hands now.  How many of you love laundry day for the spin cycle, getting really close to the vacuum handle and why do cell phones have such a strong “vibrate” setting?

Everything is designed to help Momma relieve the tension so she doesn’t kill the kids and bury them under the shed.  Years ago, “hysterical” women received their vibrators via prescription from the doctor.  Please refer to this post: https://quantumcogitation.com/2008/10/15/the-amazing-clitoris/ to learn about how little medical science paid attention to women and their anatomy.  Shameful.  That is just one of the many reasons that Dr Tim inspects as much female anatomy as possible!  (Which reminds me, I really should call Debi Diamond.  Miss you!)

So what can Doc Johnson do for you?

Glad you asked.  You may have heard of Dr Susan Block.  She is a brilliant woman who loves sex, masturbation and the bonobos.  You can find a link to her blog here: http://bloggamy.com/  Do check out her websites and her live shows.  She is adorable!  I love this woman and have been a fan of hers for a long time.  Maybe someday we can share a chocolate chip cookie.

She is a good friend of Doc Johnson and loves the Original Pocket Rocket.

One of Dr Suzy's Favorites!

This little baby gives an amazing buzz to wherever you care to place it!  Buzz the labia, park it next to the anus and when you place it on your clit, WHOO-HOO!  These are so good, that both of my ex-wives loved this particular piece of electronic wizardry.  In fact, one of them would melt one down every six months or so.  Should’ve invested in batteries instead of Edsels.  Too soon old, too late smart.  (Oh, just in case you were worried about vibrator addiction: https://quantumcogitation.com/2011/03/25/vibrator-addiction-r-r-r-r-r-really/

But that’s not all!  For a strong, deep throbbing pulse, check out this one:

Intense!

Now this gives you a deep throbbing action that will amaze, astound, and make you squeal.  Recommended by our own sales team here at DJ.  And since they are around toys all day, the fact that they specifically asked me to include this one should catch your attention.  I took one home and if you want it, you will have to pry it from my cold, dead hands.  Works wonders on my, um shoulders!  Yeah on my shoulders.  (Actually, it feels great on my lower back too.  Not that low!  Well, maybe, hold me afterwards?)

Am I moving too fast for you?  Let’s slow things down a bit.  How about we get in the mood?  Let’s lower the lights, play some slow, hip-swaying music, maybe pour a glass of our favorite adult beverage.  Feel the light breeze from the ceiling fan?  Relax.  Let your hand drift slowly over your clothed body.  Lose a layer of clothes.  All you have on is your lingerie.  Feels nice.  Oh, you are wearing your Good lingerie too.  Beautiful.  Lets open some body butter and slowly apply it to the top of your breasts.  So smooth and sensual.  Move to your tummy.  You are in great shape.  You must drive the men crazy all day.  If only they could see you now.  So smooth on the legs.  Long slow strokes as the body butter melts into your skin.  Oh yeah, your eyes are half closed and a sly smile spreads across your lips.  You know what’s coming…

Spread it on and feel the bliss.

Now perhaps you would like to reach for that vibrator, dildo or strap-on.  (Remember: If it’s from the Doc, it’s as good as cock! TM)  Feel the buzz, things are getting hotter and wetter.  The dildo slides in so smoothly and fills you up.  How about a dab of lube or a clitoral stimulator?  (Look for Spot-On, coming in July!) Or maybe you are feeling especially naughty…

Now you can do Cowgirl all by yourself.

Or just maybe, well he has been hinting.  Is it time to explore?  Oh yes!

Summer Loving is Backdoor Loving.

Just tease yourself.  You can wait all day, bring yourself up and down.  So close, but wait, catch your breath.  You know the longer it takes, the better it will feel.  Mount that dildo.  Ride it just the way you like it.  lightly touch your nipples, your breasts, that beautiful round butt.  Maybe a pinch or a slap.  Breathe deeply.  gain momentum, your eyes close tightly and then open wide.  Your orgasm crescendos reaching a climax that shatters your mind.  Your nipples are hard, you are soaking wet and slack-jawed you stare at the ceiling.  That smile returns as your eyes close and you drift off to sleep.  To sleep, perchance to dream.  Aye, there’s the rub!

And rub you did.  Well done!  Next time video your experience and send to Dr Tim so that he can praise you mightily and nightly.  drtim@quantumcogitation.com

So what if times are tough and you can’t afford one of Doc Johnson’s pleasure devices?  Not to worry.  You have plenty of options.  Remember the washing machine, the vacuum?  One can always place a broom or mop between the mattress and box springs for a quick ride.  (Condoms can also help prevent splinters.)  And even a door knob works well.  You do not need a toy to masturbate.  It is important to make some special time to yourself.  Orgasms release endorphins.  They help you stay clam, cool and collected out in the harsh world.  And having regular orgasms give you a sexy air that drive me (men) wild!  Cum early and often.

Of course having a good imagination with a rich fantasy life never hurts either.  I have one.  You can tell because I keep blogging as if someone actually reads it.

Well my hand cramp seems to have relaxed.  And I have four more days to “spend” in the bathroom testing new lubes.  I love my job!

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