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Naughty, Nice? (Or Nicely Naughty?)

I was out shopping the other day and Santa said to me, “What do want for Christmas?  Ho, ho, ho!”

I replied, “That will do nicely.”

Which brings me to the point.  Some folks think that you shouldn’t have sex around Christmas!  Can you believe that?

Let’s see if we can figure out why, so pull up your psychiatric armchairs and let’s go!

As children, we are told that masturbation is naughty.  Good boys and girls don’t do that.  The Bible commands us not to spill our seed on the ground.  (Which is fine by me since I have cashmere sweat socks.  Someday I will tell you their names.)  And so we become ashamed of our sexuality.  We hide it and keep our most precious identity hidden from the our family, friends and the world.  Our guilt grows with each stolen orgasm and we swear that we will never do it again.  Even though we know that we will.  And the guilt cycle continues.

We are also told that Santa does not bring presents to naughty children.  Well, that did it for me!  I was as pure as I possibly could be throughout December and my dirty laundry grew exponentially in January.  And I was ashamed.  Started doing my own laundry so Mom wouldn’t discover my secret and be disappointed in me.  Couldn’t bear even the thought of that.

But then I grew older, I went to college and began a journey, the stuff of which legends are made, into sexuality.  (Buy the films like everyone else.  They are out there on the internet somewhere.)  Turns out that sex can be even more fun is you have a partner or two!  But still, there was a certain hesitancy about sex in December.

Being a bright young lad, I appealed to reason.  “Look, there is four feet of snow outside. It is cold and we would be most warm and cozy if we both got into this pair of long underwear.”   Success was achieved.  I smile when I see long underwear ads and people wonder why. 

“But Baby, the wind chill is -70 F so you know your parents won’t be coming to your apartment.”  Success again.  Now you know why I love the cold.

“Don’t worry Darling, I will pick all of the pine needles out of your butt with my teeth.”  I really love the holidays!  The smell of a Christmas tree brings back so many memories.

“We will be the ony ones at the party with our clothes on.”  Have I mentioned how much I miss college?  This was back when the worst STD you could get would be cured by a dose or two of penicillin.  Those were the days.  Get in where you fit in!

“Your love is truly an amazing gift of which I am unworthy.  Please let me unwrap it and show you how I feel.”  Yeah, I didn’t feel so good about myself after that one, but I was young, hung and full of bull crap.

However, at my advanced age, the true meaning of Christmas sex becomes clear.  Unbridled, uninhibited sex brings two or more people to a state of pure being.  You are at your true identity during sex.  All masks, games, petty squabbles fall to the wayside and the one, two or more of you become a glowing bright blue spark of pure human essence.  Even if you are role playing, having angry sex, employing one or more of your official Doc Johnson sex toys there is an orgasmic moment when you are purely you.  And in my mind, that glow of humanity, stripped of pretense, is pleasing to G-d’s eye.  Holy and truthful we stand naked before Him, unashamed.

Man that’s a beautiful thing. 

It’s either that or if we don’t have sex, there will be fewer children and Santa will be way overstocked with toys.

Take your pick.  Have a Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and the most awesome of New Years.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Dr. Susan Block
    Dec 23, 2010 @ 12:40:20

    Great funny piece, Tim! For more on the wisdom and history of “Holiday Sex” follow the link to my blog. And have a very Merry XXXmas and a Happy Nude Year! Drop Pocket Rockets, Not Patriot Missiles! Peace on Earth * Pleasure for All…

    Reply

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