Wrap That Wrascal!

How’s your summer going?  Haul any boxes of books lately?  Make the evening news?

Mine has been pretty interesting.  Bar-Be-Que, Barq’s and Babes!  True summer living.

But even though these are those crazy, hazy, lazy days of summer, you had better watch out.

There was a report released by Harvard University claiming that men over 40 who use erectile dysfunction medications have triple the rate of sexually transmitted diseases as compared to men who did not use the drugs.

May I see a show of hands for those that are surprized by this result?  Not too many of you, huh?

In fact, according to the CDC, the 40-49 year age range accounted for the largest proportion of newly diagnosed HIV/AIDS cases in 2007.  Don’t believe me, go check it out.  I’ll wait.

Welcome back.  Sobering, isn’t it?  Let’s pull up our psychiatric armchairs and see if we can’t figure out why this is so.

Older folks are from a different time, a different age, a different mindset.  Last century, back when I was in college, the worst thing we could catch could be cured with a shot of penicillin.  There were fewer taboos.  And a LOT more risky sex than happens today.  After all, tis better to fail a Wasserman test than never to have loved at all!  The younger set may have more recent partners, but they actually tend to be safer than us old fogeys.

Even old Dr Tim isn’t sure if he has any condoms at home.  I’ll admit it, I hate condoms.  I hate wearing them, I hate the feel or lack thereof of them, I hate the taste they leave behind.  There isn’t much I like about them at all!  Except maybe the saving my life part.  I grew up with skin on skin and that my friend is a hard habit to break.  Even though I get a full STD workup every other month, I should still wear them.  And I do, if she insists.  But it shouldn’t have to be that way.  Even though women do ask to  see my test results before we proceed to Happy Land, using condoms should be an SOP.  (Standard Operating Procedure)

What about choice?  You may ask.  What about condoms in adult entertainment films?

So choose, Death or Cake. (Pie really.)  And as for adult entertainers, they are making a risky choice, but I defend their right to make it.  I consider adult film performers as stunt people.  They make risky decisions on how to use their bodies for the gratification of others.  I respect that.  Quite a few of those performers are my close personal friends and I would hate to see them be debilitated by some gruesome disease.  But I am not about to tell them how to do their job.  And I don’t think anyone else should either.  Those that try should probably try to get their own houses in order first.  However that is just my opinion.

And now that men suffering from ED can get help, they are picking up where they left off thirty years ago.  The game has changed since then and they havn’t read the new playbook.  Everyone needs to be reminded about the joys of safe sex.  No matter how old they are.  Anyone watch Penn & Teller’s show Bullsh*t about old people?  They still have sex.  The back alley slut is now the nursing home slut who thanks to modern medicine can get her favorite treat! 

Teach your parents well.  And your grandparents.  Anyone can die from HIV/AIDS and I’d rather it wasn’t you.

Eat it? I just want to lick it!

Here is a question I hear fairly often, “Hey Dr Tim!  Is that edible?”

Quick answer, “Does it have Nutrition or Supplement Facts?  If not, no!”

So what about flavored lubricants, gels or lotions?  If they have flavors, they must be edible!

Yes, we make these!

Yes, we make these!

No, not really.  But here is the thing.  Have you ever heard of incidental ingestion?  Let me explain, if you have ever used for example, lipstick or lip balm, you have accidentally eaten some of it.  If you have ever kissed someone wearing lipstick, lip balm or lip gloss, you have consumed some.  Who hasn’t kissed someone and licked their lips afterwards, especially if they are using that yummy new acai berry/pomegranate lip gloss (now with kiwi!)?

Kiss me now!

Kiss me now!

That is incidental ingestion.  With flavored lubes, haven’t you ever pounded it hard and long, then given it a quick kiss of gratitude afterwards?  Well, would you rather take away the slight taste of strawberry or the industrial taste of a high-functioning, chemical tasting lube?  Thought so.  me too.  Strawberries are just so much tastier than motor oil.

So why don’t flavored lubes have nutritional facts?  You are not supposed to eat them!  If we wanted you to put the anal jelly on your toast, we would have that cool box with the information about calories, trans fat, etc, etc on a label sans naked people with a grocery store friendly name.  The same goes for lotions, creams and such.  Remember Jessica Simpson?  Her line of “edible” cosmetic products were actually called “kissable” after the Regulatory Department got through with it.

Desert Beauty

And what about those throat numbing mints?  Well, those don’t have nutritional facts because they are drugs!  They need the drug facts box on the label.  Yeah, it gets complicated.  But if you want to play with the Government, you really do have to play by their rules.  (Unless you are a real gambler.  But when you get caught, you will wish you hadn’t!)

We make these too!

We make these too!

Supplements meant to be consumed have different rules too!  They need supplement facts about daily values and junk.  Confused yet?

So lubes aren’t food.  Drugs aren’t food.  Supplements aren’t food.  Only food is food!  Follow the directions!  If it does not have nutritional/supplement facts available, it is not supposed to be eaten, chugged, or swallowed in big mouthfuls. 

And if someone wants you to eat it, ask them to take the first swallow.  That’ll separate the wheat from the chaff.

Good Taste! (Really, lose the bleach!)

To paraphrase a famous commercial: She wants a man that tastes good!

Down to business.  If you were to ask a variety of women why they spit or dodge, they will reply, “His stuff tastes nasty!”  So how do we avoid this problem?

Well, if she is regularly providing oral relief, quit complaining!  But the point is to make the experience pleasurable for her so that she will enjoy it.  Let’s find out what you have been up to lately.

Your diet:  If you are subsisting on Mega-burgers, onion rings and soft drinks, you have a problem.  Junk food equals bad tasting junk.  Have a salad once in a while!  Eat some fruit and vegetables.  Choose leaner cuts of meat, chicken or fish.  Drink some water.  You see all of the materials, chemicals, that you consume have an effect on how you look, how you taste and how you smell.  Sodas are very acidic.  They make you acidic.  Fried fatty meats give you a distinctive smell as opposed to vegetarians.

Your exercise routine:  Yes, no pain – no gain.  Working out regularly flushes the toxins out of your body via sweat and your excretory glands.  If you are a couch potato, all those wonderful bad things are pooling inside of you, turning to fat.  Yes, fat guys can get laid.  Fairly often too!  But they really have to work at it.  They need to be damn charming and eloquent.  Climb every mountain indeed.  However, obesity can lead to hypertension, diabetes, heart disease and stroke to name a few.  And those medications are not always erection-friendly.  Get off your ass and take a walk or something.

But if you eat right and exercise daily, you can make your life much easier.  Not only will you be healthier, more alert and ready for action, you will taste better too!  Have you ever heard the term “clean sweat?”  It exists.  That is the light sweat coming from a healthy man or woman who just participated in some light to medium impact exercise, like a sexual encounter.  Mmmmm, think of your favorite Lady with a light sheen of sweat covering Her body as you un-make the bed.  Nice?  You bet!  You don’t mind lying next to Her after that, do you?  She’s happy too.

Even then, genetics may have dealt you a bad hand and your semen still has that ammonia flavor to it.  You need to lose the bleach!  How can you do that?  Well, there is a lot of folklore on that question.  Most popular is to drink lots of pineapple juice for a couple days before sex.  That works for some.  Others say to eat spices like cinnamon to take the bitter edge off the taste.  But can you maintain that particular regime every day?  It is hard enough to eat right in this day and age, but to maintain yummy sperm too?  Brutal.

Too much to eat every day!

Too much to eat every day!

There are some supplements that claim to help make your semen sweeter and help make her taste sweeter as well.  (Yes, the same conditions apply to the ladies.)  We have all visited the Bakery from time to time…

The best supplement I have found is Semenex.  Yes my company manufactures and sells it, but I tested many of the commercially available products and after tweaking the patented formula a tiny bit found it to be very effective.  It is a combination of fruits and spices that goes down smooth when mixed in water or shakes.  And if your diet is at least quasi-healthy, one dose a day for a couple days really makes a difference.  While no true, scientific clinical studies have been done to verify the claim, there are many, many testimonials from happy couples to groups who did taste comparison testing.  (Now there is an interesting thought!)

Mmm... Tasty...

Mmm... Tasty...

In the end, you have to be a healthy individual.  Clean up your act and your Lady should be more than willing to provide some good loving.  Supplements do help, so don’t be afraid to try some and improve your game.

Oh yes, never forget to return the favor.  She deserves it!

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