Bite it, Suck it, Nibble on it…

Christmas is past,

New Year’s Day it ain’t.

These few lousy days,

Are just this year’s taint…

Advanced Research! (or, Come and knock on our door…)

Greetings Earthlings!  (And a cheerful “Howdy” to all of my off-world fans!)

As you know, Dr Tim takes his job very seriously.

Today as I was studying a trade journal, I ran across an interesting article with a very interesting concept.  It seems that a major brand of chips was going to launch some new packaging and they wanted a specific feel to go with it.  Here is a short blurb about their strategy:

“…As part of the research process, the corporate team actually partied with consumers in their own homes, versus focus group testing, to immerse themselves in what defines a party. Part of this included observing what resonates with consumers based on the visual influencers in their environment, in addition to what they served, what other brands they identified with, and how they entertained…”

WOW!

Can you see where I am going with this?

In order to help me help you, I am willing to get down with you in your own home, to discover what defines “sex” to you.  I will observe what influences your bedroom behaviour, what you use and what items you identify with during sex.

That’s right!  You too can have Dr Tim join you in your bedroom in the interest of science!  I will lend a hand, steady the ladder and make notes about your preferred lube for butt-fucking, which dildo you like or do you want a strap-on?  Do you use any flavoring enhancers during blow jobs or kitty licking?  What about rimming?  Don’t forget about the rimming!

And there is always Fifty Shades of WHOO-HOO!!!  Whip me, beat me, feel me, fuck me, bite me, burn me, cum on my tits and get on with your life!

I will be there for you so that the Mighty Doc Johnson can address your needs even more directly than before…

You will think we designed these toys just for you and you know what?  You will be one hundred percent correct.

So let me know if you are ready to enter the world of scientific research.  We’ll meet in your bedroom, backroom, garage, alley, dungeon or wherever.  I’ll be the one with the lab coat, camcorder and big smile.

It’s on Baby.  It’s on!

(Mothers of five-year olds must secure a sitter before actual action ensues…)

A Parent Moment (or What do you do at work all day Daddy?)

I had one of those rare parenting moments the other day.  If you have raised any children or are raising some now, you the type I mean.  A question that blindsides you, leaving you momentarily stunned.

My baby boy (Yes, he is 20 years old now, but he will always be my baby boy.) hit me with this gem,

“Dad, do you know anything about bondage?”

“I might know a thing or two about it.”

Hmm…  OK, in for a penny, in for a pound. 

“Why?”

“I’d really like to tie someone up and think I would be pretty good at it.”

Not what you would expect from someone who you swear you just taught how to ride a bicycle and throw a ball yesterday.  Well, rather than direct him to my blog (https://quantumcogitation.com/2012/06/08/bondage-time-or-excuse-me-but-im-a-bit-tied-up/), I decided to have a rather frank conversation with him about sex, STD’s, HIV, you know, all the bad stuff.

“Dad, I know all of that stuff.  And you know I don’t have a girlfriend right now.”

Fine.  Let’s talk fetish.  Which if you are a regular reader of my blog, you’d know I have a passing knowledge of the subject.  (All my love to Taylor St Claire and Debi Diamond!)

“Well you’re not going to tie me up!”

“DAD!”

“Glad that’s out-of-the-way. How much research have you done?  Seen anything on the internet you like?”

He wasn’t sure, so I introduced him to the subject of shibari, Japanese bondage.  We did a search together and I directed him to trusted links.  (That means I know the webmaster and am secure in the low virus risk.)

This is what he was needed.  My son is an accomplished artist currently specializing in manga.  Of course Doc Johnson has the new Black Rose line and some magnificent colored ropes for just such a purpose.  http://www.docjohnson.com/bondagerope-japanese-style-purple.html

As an artist, he loves purple and all of the designs he could create using rope patterns and the various colors/textures.

“Can you get me some of these?  Purple ropes and the purple silk?”

“Sure, but if you do not have a girlfriend, how are you going to use them?”

“I”ll just practice on myself.”

Shades of David Carradine!

So we a talk about safety, not tying yourself up to the point of no escape.  Frankly I do not need to come home and find my naked son tied up on the couch.  I might find it amusing later and fodder for endless jibes, but nothing I ever really need to see in my lifetime.

So if you doing self-bondage, always be sure you leave yourself a way to escape.  Just in case your Mother or UPS comes to the door.  I did have a friend who was quite fond of handcuffs.  He would freeze the key in a block of ice, then leave it in a pan where he could reach it when it thawed.  He used a pan because once the ice as it melted slid off the table and he had to be released by a friend.

Keep a cell phone within reach in case something like that happens.  Better embarrassed than tied up for a week with no food or bathroom!

So in the end, be frank, be honest, be careful and always buy bondage supplies from Doc Johnson.  (Remember?  They pay me!)

And while a bit discomforting, it is great to know that your kids can come to you with any issues they need to discuss.

Sex and Death (or, How Macabre, I’m Stiff!)

Sex and Death.

Two things without which life would be meaningless.

Recently, someone in my immediate family shuffled off her mortal coil way too soon.  (6/22/1935-7/28/2012)  I was devastated.  And I expected that.  What I did not expect was the effect of her death on my libido.

Normally, I have to pound my erection on the windowsill in an effort to make it go down.  During this time however, he was renamed Mr. Limpy.

Having returned from a week of sadness, family and a funeral, my anticipation for a little loving was high.  My lady friend arrived and proceeded to perform first class fellatio on me.

Nothing happened.

Couldn’t enjoy it, couldn’t respond to it.  She understood, but was rather disappointed.  She was disappointed?  Here I am, with a willing all-access woman, being depressed about the recent death, thinking about my own mortality and my penis was on vacation.  Not a good time at all.  I mean, was I getting too old?  How much time do I have left?  And will there be time for a sandwich before I go?

Happily, my libido is slowly returning.  Morning wood has returned and that gleam in my eye is firing up my furnace.  It has been almost two weeks since the world was shattered.  We may or may not try sex this weekend.  But you know what?  There is more to intimacy than sex.  Snuggling, talking, listening and just being there for each other.  Beautiful!

There is sex after death.  Just take the time to heal and keep moving forward.

Be good to yourself and each others.  Sometimes we all need someone to lean on.

Inappropriate! (Or, Did I Just Mention Sex Out Loud?)

So how is your summer going?

Did you take some time off, go to the Newberry Library Book Fair (July 26-29  just saying), or just sit around naked next to the air conditioner at home?

Well I have been quite busy.  Yes it is time for the Annual Summer ANME show!  http://www.anmefounders.com/  During the wicked heat of July, the Adult Novelty Manufacturer Expo will be taking place in beautiful downtown Burbank this weekend.  (Actually it is by the airport, but how often do I get the chance to say “Beautiful Downtown Burbank?”)

And boy oh boy are we going to be showing some wild stuff.  Of course I cannot tell you what it is because the show starts tonight.  And just like Christmas Eve, I must wait until it is approved for me to tell you about all of the wonders.  Maybe I will even get to post pictures!  (Like these: https://quantumcogitation.com/2012/01/16/trade-show-fever-or-part-one/)

Ron & Chad Braverman (Read about them in Los Angeles Magazine!)

But what an exciting weekend this will be!  I will be strolling around looking at all of the new and exciting products that will be unveiled.  Products designed to lift your sexual appetites and show you ways of pleasure that perhaps you have never imagined.  There will be something for everyone no matter your preference.

Fifty Shades of “Oh My!”

Life is pretty good.  But while we do our best to help you fulfill your fantasies, we often run into some risky situations.

You see, our job is to think about sex EVERY DAY.  We have to think about it, analyse it and look for ways to make it more enjoyable.  There are lots of different people out there in the world with a lot of different needs.  How can we help them?  And as such, sometimes we say inappropriate things at inappropriate times.  And it can cause a stir, an argument, a fight or even end relationships.

Mild Example: I was in class earlier this week.  Scientists need to stay up on new developments, so along with those classes I also study psychology, religion and particle physics.  Yes, I am an absolute gas at parties.  During this class, the professor asked us to brainstorm ways to relieve stress.  As he went around the room, he got the usual answers like exercise, meditation, read a book.  He got to me and I answered, “Masturbation.”  Valid, but it caused a minor ruckus because it is something that many of these older students were raised not to discuss.  They wondered aloud whether I was a sex addict or just a pervert.

You’d think I was the Devil himself when I explained that work in the sex industry and that sexual health and wellness was my particular field.  I do not argue or try to justify my job to people with closed minds any more.  And sadly, the woman with whom I had been doing quite well decided that we shouldn’t sit next to each other in class or hang out during break.

C’est la vie.

Sometimes you cannot separate your job life and your home life.  But you can try your best to keep it to yourself.  Yet a slip of the tongue is only a split second away.  (How many of you when I said “Slip of the tongue” started thinking about oral sex?  I thought so.  I’m a big fan myself.)  Life can be difficult when it revolves around sex during all of your waking hours.  Statements like “I’ve made a breakthrough in anal sex.” or “What do you think of this?  Would you use it on your pussy/cock/tits/ass?” or “How does this feel in your mouth?  Creamy?” taken out of context can be trouble.  And you just can’t use a slogan like, “Dr Tim, making butt-fucking easier for 30 years!”

I wouldn’t trade my life for anything. 

Check out this link: http://www.lamag.com/features/Story.aspx?ID=1715666  It is the story of Doc Johnson and how my boss and his family handle being in the industry.  It is a fascinating read.  I read it and I still like him!

Bondage Time! (or, Excuse Me, But I’m a Bit Tied Up…)

Let’s talk about Love.

Seriously.  Love requires a great deal of Trust.  And no where is Trust so needed as when we talk about bondage.

Ties That Bind

You see, if you do not trust your partner to tie you up, love is obviously lacking.  Quite frankly, you become very vulnerable during bondage and you really do become subject to your partner’s whims.  So, if you don’t love them or trust them, DO NOT LET THEM TIE YOU UP!  I cannot emphasise that enough.  However, if you are a ruthless thrill-seeker, I can’t help you.  You will do what you want regardless of the consequences.  Good luck!

For the rest of us, check out that cool new bondage line, Black Rose, from Doc Johnson!  It is all black and purple and stuff.  Beautiful.  Sometimes I get so weary of black and red.  Purple is a very sexy color to me.  I mean, after all, when have you ever seen pastel bondage gear?  That doesn’t mean that your bondage experience has to be all dark and brooding.  Quite the opposite!  Many bondage scenes are full of smiling and laughter.  (Especially if you are into tickling!)

Besides, hemp rope leaves burn marks while chains leave nasty bruises.  And some of us have to go to the PTA meeting tomorrow.  Ribbons work very well for bondage and leave fewer marks.  And don’t forget the blindfold or gag!

Where are you?

 Blindfolds are very cool. Keeps them guessing as to where you are and what you are about to do to them. 

I can hear some of you now, ” That gag isn’t so bad.  I could still talk!”  I dare you to try it.  Edgar Bergen or Jeff Dunham you ain’t.  This is simple, effective and reduces your partner to whimpers, sighs and moaning.  And we all like those, right? 

Do you see how important Trust is now?

You cannot move, you cannot talk and you cannot see.  You never know what is coming next.

That stings!

Now the cool thing about floggers is that they can caress the skin or thump the skin.  It all depends on what your partner wishes you to experience.  For an extra sting, tie a small knot in the end of each strand.  For an evil sting, tie a small pebble or tack into the end of each strand.  Oh, the sensations.  Oh, the endorphins!

And speaking of sensations, some like to be clothed while bound and some prefer to be nude.  If you prefer bound, we have a little something extra for you.

Vibrations move me…

Yep.  Vibrating panties.  Imagine wearing those while you are bound and helpless.  The sensations never stop which may bring you to climax after climax and there is nothing you can do about it.  Gracious, how you squirm!

So those are some fun things to play with during sex.  We love playing.  And experimenting.  I know a couple that has been married for over fifty years who confided in me that while they no longer participate in any bondage games, that the experimentation brought them so much closer together.  So I guess that means that bondage can actually help your relationship.  That’s where you find out if you partner has your back and looks out for you or if they are only out for themselves.

I wonder if bondage exercises would be an important part of pre-marital counseling?

So live long, play hard and don’t be afraid to get dirty.  At Doc Johnson we do not judge anyone’s sexual preferences.  We want to provide everything you need for an exciting and fulfilling sex life.

Slut Love (or, C’mon Over!)

Do you know the difference between a Slut and a Bitch?

A Slut will sleep with anyone  A Bitch will sleep with anyone but me!

Let’s talk about Sluts.  I love them.  Seems like these days, people are into slut shaming.  You know the drill, someone is doing the Walk of Shame so you start whispering behind their back, making snarky comments on social networks, checking out their naughty blogs and then sneaking off to rub one out.  (Go ahead!  It is still National Masturbation Month!)

Jealous much?

Sluts are very special people and need to be treated with understanding and tender loving care.  They cannot help themselves, they must share their joy with everyone who has need.  Sex is joy  And engaging in sex completes the circuit which brings the spirit if ever so briefly as close to Heaven/Nirvana/Valhalla/Fill in the Blank as one can be while still living.

They see sex differently than most.  To a Slut, sex is an open expression of love.  It is fun.  It is something to be shared.  And they share it with just about anyone who requests it properly.  Depending on the circumstances, properly may be anything from “Stroll with me beneath the moonlight and mayhap we will make a communal offering to the Great Spirit.” to “Meet me behind the dumpster!”

There was a story of a young Dali lama who was asked to cast a woman out for being a slut.  She was accused of seducing men, women and all living things.  When the Dali lama arrived, he found everyone waiting in line.  There was no fighting, pushing or trash talk.  And when he walked up to the young lady he could see that her beauty and love outshone the sun.  How could he cast out someone whose only crime was that she had been created with such beauty and generosity?

Something to think about people.  Much of the evil in this world would not happen if everyone was getting laid.  Sluts are the great equalizer.  If everyone could be open and honest about their sexual feelings.  They could be acted upon and a lot of tension would disappear.  Anyone could be a slut, you could be male, female, trans, whatever.  There is a Slut for everyone out there.

Oral sex sluts, anal sex sluts, gay sluts, lesbian sluts, sex toy sluts, why there is a whole world of sluttery (or should I say, sluttiosity) out there for you.  By the way, don’t forget to pick up your Official Doc Johnson Lubes, Toys and Stuff.  Even Sluts need a break now and then.

So what about Whores?

I love them too.  Everyone needs to get paid.  However, there is a good chance that a Whore has lost their way in drugs, or is being forced into prostitution or is so burned out that they no longer feel the joy.  This is a tough old world.  However, if more Sluts came out of their closet, fewer Whores would be necessary.  In fact, Sluts can put Whores out of business!

But as I said, Sluts need understanding and love.  Their hearts can be very tender and to misuse their gifts is what can change a sweet slut into a bitter person.  Treat your Slut kindly.  And if the Slut around, please understand, their gift is too great to keep to themselves.  If they are taking care of your needs, let them fly free.  They will come back.

Don’t shame the slut. Worship the Slut.

 

Synchronicity (Or, When Jupiter Aligns with Mars)

I’m back!  What did I miss?

We have so little to cover and so much time to do it.  Wait, scratch that.  Reverse it.  Moving on…

First – Dr Adam Ostrzenski, of the Institute of Gynocology in St Petersburg, Florida claims to have found the actual G-Spot!  You may have heard about this on the news, but let’s look a bit closer, shall we?  Whatever he found, it is causing huge waves in the medical and sexual health fields.  Doctors are lining up on both sides of the debate.  You see, one side says, “Hooray!  Another clue to the mystery!” while the other proclaims, “The G-Spot is not real!  Stop trying to make women into sexual robots who respond to physical impulses!”

Tough room.  The doctor claims that not only is this very small cluster of grape-like pods in a sac the g-spot, but that it can rupture or weaken most likely during labor trauma.  So it seems that having kids could really dent your sexual desire.  Regardless, he only found this in one woman, 84 years old.  As we do know, every woman is different.  The g-spot may be large or small or even non-existent.  The problem is that humans tend to get caught up in the whirlwind of “OMG, I Must Be Dysfunctional.”  Not only that, it only measured 8.1 mm by 1.5-3.6 mm by 0.4 mm.  Harder to find than the clitoris!  (Which is not hard to find at all!  See: https://quantumcogitation.com/2008/10/15/the-amazing-clitoris/)

So what are you going to do?  This is where Synchronicity happens:

It is National Masturbation Month!!!!!

So let’s go exploring!  Let’s break out our Official Doc Johnson Lubricant and Official Doc Johnson Toys and go spelunking.  We have all sorts of toys and gizmos to reach everyplace you have thought of and several that you haven’t.  If you need some masturbation tips, please refer to these wonderful columns:

https://quantumcogitation.com/2011/05/06/national-masturbation-month-part-1-im-not-jerking-you-around-here/

https://quantumcogitation.com/2011/05/27/airing-the-orchid-or-women-are-wankers-too/

Or check in with my Dear Friend Dr Suzy: http://bloggamy.com/masturbation-month-news/

But first some important news: There is nothing wrong with you if you cannot locate your G-Spot.  Some women are much more sensitive than others and every woman is different.  I would hate it if you were all the same.  So take your time.  Explore yourself alone or with a special friend.  The goal is not finding the g-spot.  The goal is your feeling good, having fun and feeling fulfilled.  Each of you is special and I love you dearly for it.  Relax, don’t worry.  Masturbate yourself to bliss!

Other Breaking News:

A recent study shows that men think about Sex, Food and Sleep.  In that order.  Can you say “DUH!”  How can I get paid to conduct these studies.  (Point of difference: The study was done with college aged men between 18-25.  I am a bit older and my order is Food, Drink, WOMAN, Sleep…)

Yet another study published in The American Journal of Medicine states that with many older women, sex gets better as they age.  I am still not surprised.  Older women know what works for them and how to achieve satisfaction.  Like I mentioned earlier, it is all about your satisfaction.  Satisfied women are happy women.  Happy women (come in California) make happy men.  Let’s do this people!

And finally: the FDA approves a new drug for the treatment of erectile dysfunction!  Huzzah!  Men suffering from ED need to masturbate too!  It is called Stendra and should be taken 30 minutes before sexual activity.  It is also a PDE5, so all the same warnings about nitrates, vision, hearing, etc, etc, etc.

Thanks for visiting!  Now wash your hands and let’s go get something to eat!

Between the Holidays (or, Stuck in the Middle with You!)

With all the holidays happening, my head is spinning!

However, right now we are between two very important holidays, SBJ Day and St Patrick’s Day.

What’s SBJ Day?  Well, it is one of the most important dates in history.  Many holidays revolve around women.  Particularly, Valentine’s Day.

Valentine’s Day is all about the ladies.  We woo them with chocolate, flowers, dinners, dancing, Broadway shows and most importantly, jewelry!  Men give consideration for their significant others’ feelings and try to listen after they say, “Sounds like you had a rough day.  Want to talk about it?”

As such, men finally decided that they need a holiday of their own.  One which speaks to their inner self and needs.  A day that, if all goes according to plan, leaves them happy, fulfilled and ever so appreciative of their partners.

Yes, March 14th is designated as “Steak and Blow Job Day.”  See, men are just not as complicated as women.  Feed us a steak, suck our dick, swallow some seed and we are yours for life.  (OK, there are some guys who qualify as “Playas” but we do not count them as men.)

I’m not about to tell those of you not on the receiving end of Steak and BJ Day how to grill a steak.  Put it on, turn it over, take it off.  Add BBQ sauce to taste.  (Hope you remembered to marinate the steak!)

But Blow Jobs.  Ladies, we need to talk.  How do you give a great blow job?  90% of the act is the attitude.  If you obviously are not enjoying it, we are not enjoying it either.  So if you do not like sucking cock, we are going to have a problem.  Now some men do not care.  I have never met these men.  It seems that whether you are straight or gay, you want your dick sucked.

So do I.  And here is how you win Dr Tim’s undying love and affection:

1. Have fun with it!  Make it game, put a little captain hat on him and tell him to prepare for a tropical storm.  How many licks does it take?

2. Use your tongue.  There is no such thing as too much tongue.  Broad flat strokes, pointed scroll work, make that hurricane tongue swirl around and around the head.

3. Actually move your head.  Believe it or not, some folks think a blow job consists of putting the head in their mouth and waiting.  This does not work.  Slide your lips up and down the shaft.  Move it from side to side.  We need some motion in the ocean.

4. Please do not forget to lick our balls.  We hate having dry balls and only you can save us.  Pop those balls in and out of your mouth.  Chase them around with your tongue.  Take them both in your mouth and pull.  Balls are fun.  Do not be afraid of them.

5. Some may disagree with me on this one, but using your hands is not cheating!  Play with my balls, tickle my taint, stroke the shaft in a twisting grip while your tongue circles the opposite way around the head.  Even nipple pinching is fair game.  If my cock is in your mouth, just about anything goes.

6. Except teeth.  We do not like razors being run up and down out cocks.  Either cover them with your lips or open your mouth wider and let your lips create a suction seal.

7. Swallow.  For me, nothing makes me feel loved in bed more than someone swallowing my semen.  If you are a bit squeamish, see this article: https://quantumcogitation.com/2011/06/16/to-completion-or-spitters-are-quitters/  If you still do not want to swallow, would you please let me shoot my load on your breasts?  Cum-covered boobs are very attractive and won’t mess up your hair.

8. Rimming is optional.

Basically, that’s it.  Not so difficult really.  Of course there are thousands of permutations and combinations that you can do to surprise your loved ones.  And if your man wants to know where you learned how to do what you just did, do not mention my name!  I still have to hide from a husband who, when he and his wife were testing a new butt lube,  heard his wife whisper, “Thanks Tim!”

Oh St Patrick’s Day.  I colored my privates green.  Anyone want to kiss my Blarney Stones?

Trade Show Fever (Part One)

Lordy, Lordy it has been a trade show whirlwind!

If I started talking about everything that happened, we would be here for hours!  So let’s just look at some pretty pictures instead.  (I reserve the right to comment as necessary.)

Beginning with ANME 2012.  The whole team got together for something special!

We May be up to something...

Yep, we have a little bit of something for everyone!  Please, no cat jokes.  Her claws are sharp!

Yes, we were.

Beautiful!

She will probably hurt me for this, but then I usually pay extra for that!

Sing along, "Swiss Miss, Dominatrix!"

And where would we be without…

Arrrgh! Avast me hearties!

But it was a wonderful show, we saw so many old friends, made new friends and I did not hear of a single drop of blood being shed.  What we do is exciting because we get to help you get it on!

Ready to help. Because we are just like that.

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