Entering the Home Stretch (or, Dream BIG!)

29 Mar 2013 Leave a comment

by Mystertim in Anal Sex, Anatomy, Butt Sex, Dildos, Doc Johnson, Fetish, Masturbation, Personal Lubricants, Psychology, sex toys Tags: , , , , ,

What a big asshole!

With whom am I angry?  No one.  No one at all.  Today we talk about stretching.  Not stretch marks, not playing 21 when you are 70.  Orifice stretching.

Over 11 inches around!

Over 11 inches around!

That’s right folks, we are stretching open your asshole!  Some people develop a real fetish about how far they can enlarge their anal opening.  Why?  Who knows?  One suggestion is that taking something bigger each time is like losing your virginity all over again.  Start small, and sooner or later, we have a new car port.

So how to start?  Well, remember that time your finger broke through the toilet paper and your eyes flew open when you sank in knuckle-deep?  That’s one way.  Or you could start with a small dildo.  Or…

Work it up or work your way down!

Work it up or work your way down!

Doc Johnson has all types of toys and devices to satisfy all of your anal needs.  Now you may be saying, “Dr Tim, those look so cold and impersonal.  How can I get a human touch without actually involving another human?”  We can help.

Feels so good!

Feels so good!

See?  We are here to help you open up and let the sun shine in!  Even if it is the place “where the sun doesn’t shine,” usually.

That doesn’t actually address why people stuff such large toys into their openings.  Some like the feeling of fullness, being airtight.  Others take the humiliation route (keep it consensual!) and like to be “forced” into surrendering themselves to massive insertions.  I know a couple of people who just like the challenge and want to be known as the one who sat on a Honda and it disappeared!

Now Dr Tim loves a nice, easy access orifice, but I would like to them to be able to feel me as well.  So let’s take just a moment or two and talk about taking care of your ass.

Actually, let me refer you to a very wise and learned blog post: https://quantumcogitation.com/2010/04/30/interesting-question-caution-naughtiness-ahead/

There I cover the anatomy of the anus, different scenarios and good things about butt-fucking.  Just remember a few things: Keep your ass clean, do your kegels and use lots and lots of lube!  (Did I mention that Doc Johnson sells lubricants?  Thought so.  Daddy needs to get paid!)

Water-based but feels like silicone!

Water-based but feels like silicone!

So spank it, lick it, fuck it, kiss it, spread it and take pictures!  Just remember to love your asshole and use genuine Doc Johnson lubes and toys.  (And be on the look out for our Oralove flushable feminine hygiene wipes!)

Care & Feeding (or Keeping your dildo happy)

22 Mar 2013 1 Comment

by Mystertim in Dildos, Doc Johnson, Masturbation, Personal Lubricants, sex toys, Strap-ons, Vibrators Tags: , , , ,

Dildos.  Vibrators.  Soybeans.  Tofu.  (Well, they are meat substitutes…)

I am talking about the care and maintenance of your Mom’s Best Friend.

We get many questions about what lubricants to use with which toys, so I thought I would run down the list.

UR3:

0271_02_BU

Lifelike material – Phthalate Free: Use water-based lube.  Sure, you could use silicone lube, but be sure to wash that bad boy off right away!

PVC Soft

0249_04_BU

Bendable – Phthalate Free: Use water-based lube.  Yes, you can use silicone too or even Crisco, but wash it up when you finish!

PVC Hard

0926_01_BU

Non-flexible – Phthalate Free: Any old lube you want to use!  Wash afterwards.  (Hey!  Did you see this one on House of Lies?  You HAVE to get Showtime!)

Jelly

7001_03_BU

Soft – Bendable – Phthalate Free: Use water-based lube!

Silicone:

0110_10_BU

100% Platinum Cured Silicone: Use water-based lube!  Some silicone toys are incompatible with some silicone lubes.  Makes them melt.  Tread carefully and if you insist on using a silicone based lube, wash, wash, wash right away after use.

Now I didn’t want you guys to feel left out although I know quite a few of you use vibrators and dildos too.  So:

0603_00_BU

Please her, tease her, love her and use her.  But you must wash her too!  Preferably before you fall asleep…

Black Roses (or, We Haz Them)

22 Feb 2013 Leave a comment

by Mystertim in Anal Sex, Couples Sexuality, Dildos, Doc Johnson, Female Sexuality, Fetish, Male Sexuality, Masturbation, Oral Sex, Personal Lubricants, Psychology, sex toys, Strap-ons, Valentine's Day Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

How was your Valentines Day?  Did you get any?

C’mon, even married people get laid on Valentines Day.  It is practically the law.  (Federal law, it is much more than a state thing.)

You didn’t? well, even women get blue balls…

Blue Balls.  We Has ‘Em.  However, they are the amazing Blooming Ben Wa Balls in the brilliant Black Rose line by Doc Johnson!

If they turn this color, OUCH!

If they turn this color, OUCH!

2302_02_BX

Now that sounds like much more fun, doesn’t it?

Yes, Valentines Day is much like Bondage & Discipline.  You always hurt the one you love.  And boy, at Doc Johnson do we have some classy ways to do it too.  We’ve got everything!  Harnesses, cuffs, strap-ons, paddles, whips and other weapons of ass destruction.  Spice up your love life.  These can be used in any room of the house.  This is a very nice selection of products.  Wanna see some more pictures?  Me too!

2301_19_BU2301_17-BU2301_20_BU

So you are probably thinking, “Strap-ons are über-cool!  But is that the only thrill available for anal pleasure?”

Fear not my bung-loving lovers.  We have some amazing purple butt plugs for you in the very same Black Rose line.  (Yes, purple product in Black Rose.  Bruises often turn purple before they go black.  Won’t tell you exactly how I know, but I’m sure you can find the videos on-line.  Can’t you, you little web-monkeys?)

2302_05_BU

And what’s that?  An AMAZING lubricant from Good Old Dr Tim’s research lab!  What a wonderful world!  Remember:  Doc Johnson lubes help you get in and get back out easily, smoothly and with oh so much pleasure!

It is not too late!  Since here and now we are alive, go get some of those great Doc Johnson toys and lubes!  Show yourself or your significant other(s) how much you care.  Tie them up or let yourself be tied up to let your imagination soar.  Imagine how you will please your bound beauty.  Or how they will please you.  Life is good.  Seize the Day!

As for Dr Tim?  Just keep those cards, letters, pictures and videos coming in!  You inspire me.  Yes you do.  After all, how do you think I test all these lubes and potions?  My only thoughts are about you.

And while I am not sure this is what Linda Ronstadt was thinking about when she recorded her album Living in the USA back in 1978, just send me Black Roses…

2301_16_BU2301_16_BX

Advanced Research! (or, Come and knock on our door…)

15 Jan 2013 1 Comment

by Mystertim in Anal Sex, Couples Sexuality, Dildos, Doc Johnson, Fetish, Masturbation, Oral Sex, Personal Lubricants, sex toys, Strap-ons Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Greetings Earthlings!  (And a cheerful “Howdy” to all of my off-world fans!)

As you know, Dr Tim takes his job very seriously.

Today as I was studying a trade journal, I ran across an interesting article with a very interesting concept.  It seems that a major brand of chips was going to launch some new packaging and they wanted a specific feel to go with it.  Here is a short blurb about their strategy:

“…As part of the research process, the corporate team actually partied with consumers in their own homes, versus focus group testing, to immerse themselves in what defines a party. Part of this included observing what resonates with consumers based on the visual influencers in their environment, in addition to what they served, what other brands they identified with, and how they entertained…”

WOW!

Can you see where I am going with this?

In order to help me help you, I am willing to get down with you in your own home, to discover what defines “sex” to you.  I will observe what influences your bedroom behaviour, what you use and what items you identify with during sex.

That’s right!  You too can have Dr Tim join you in your bedroom in the interest of science!  I will lend a hand, steady the ladder and make notes about your preferred lube for butt-fucking, which dildo you like or do you want a strap-on?  Do you use any flavoring enhancers during blow jobs or kitty licking?  What about rimming?  Don’t forget about the rimming!

And there is always Fifty Shades of WHOO-HOO!!!  Whip me, beat me, feel me, fuck me, bite me, burn me, cum on my tits and get on with your life!

I will be there for you so that the Mighty Doc Johnson can address your needs even more directly than before…

You will think we designed these toys just for you and you know what?  You will be one hundred percent correct.

So let me know if you are ready to enter the world of scientific research.  We’ll meet in your bedroom, backroom, garage, alley, dungeon or wherever.  I’ll be the one with the lab coat, camcorder and big smile.

It’s on Baby.  It’s on!

(Mothers of five-year olds must secure a sitter before actual action ensues…)

2013 (or, Here we go again!)

01 Jan 2013 Leave a comment

by Mystertim in 2012, ANME, Doc Johnson, Psychology Tags: , , , , , , ,

Ho, ho, ho!  Happy New Year!

Now I certainly do not want to rain on your Rose Parade, but…

All that happened was this little ball of dirt we call home completed another circuit around the sun.  Hooray.

We are celebrating Cosmic Nascar.   And Mercury just lapped us again.

Oh Bother!  (Yes, bother. Didn’t you read the classics when you were a kid?)

However, I am a not fussy man.  Not like Old Uncle Bloggsy, who has his own blog; http://www.newberry.org/book-fair-blog.  He puts the “mudge” in curmudgeon.

2012 was full of memorable events.  Some of which filled me with joy, others that left me sobbing by the side of the road.  Nevertheless, it was ride not to be missed.  Now that I think of it, perhaps New Year doesn’t come from a bottle.  And the true meaning of New Year is something much more.  It is a reference point.  And any scientist will tell you, reference points are most important.  This is a time when we traditionally look at ourselves and assess the good and the bad.

So how did you do?

Dr Tim’s year was a bit extreme.  I sunk as low as a man could go.  Went into isolation.  Hell looked like Heaven after what I was going through.  And it burned.  I had my soul hammered on the anvils of Hell.  My thoughts, principles, ethics and life were in balance.  And I almost let go.  Would have been easy too.  No more pain, no more suffering, no more darn alarm clocks.  Death has always fascinated me.  When my first wedding became known folks commented that it was like “Edgar Allen Poe marrying Sylvia Plath.”  There no longer seemed to be a point.

But then that old spark lit up my brain like the Fourth of July.  Seems as though I am made of some pretty stern stuff.  I remembered who I was; I was me the whole time.  Imagine my surprise.  Found my reference point, re-anchored and came out the other side.  Singed, but shining.  Told you that reference points were important.

And how I laughed as Kathy Griffin kept trying to give Anderson Cooper a blowjob on CNN.  She slips down to her knees very easily, if you catch my drift.  Suddenly I am much more attracted to her!

2013, how ya doing?  Not sure what you have in store for me, but in the words of a famous politician, “Bring It On!”

Oh yes, be sure to love and always use your Official Doc Johnson Toys and Lubes!  After all, if I am sticking around, Daddy needs to get paid!  (ANME Show next week!  Wait until you see what Doc Johnson is bringing soon to a bedroom near you!)

‘Tis The Season! (or, Gimmie, Gimmie!)

21 Dec 2012 Leave a comment

by Mystertim in Anal Sex, ANME, Christmas, Dildos, Doc Johnson, Fetish, Masturbation, Oral Sex, Personal Lubricants, sex toys, Strap-ons, Vibrators Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Ah, the holidays!

What a wonderful time to look back, review your year and make the appropriate adjustments so that the coming year is even better.  You become a better person, the type of person you had always hoped that you would be when you grew up.  Kind, generous, respected and well-loved.

Time to get nostalgic about family, friends, lost or found loves.  Tradition.

Speaking of tradition, WHAT DID YOU GET ME?????

Most of you were nice.  Some of you were very naughty.  And a few of you were nicely naughty and sent Dr Tim pictures and videos of yourselves using your fine Doc Johnson toys and lubricants!  Warms my heart.  Truly!  No cash, but a warm fuzzy feeling like when she hasn’t shaved for a week or so.

So how was your year?  Did you finally find a woman who was “all-access?”  Did you find a man who wasn’t threatened by your toys or that strap-on dildo you bought?

My year was great.  Here at Doc Johnson we had some very successful shows including a spectacular one at Hustler Hollywood!  It was all about the Wonderland.

It was AMAZING!

It was AMAZING!

Other awesome stuff happened too.  Great folks getting their body parts molded, like James Deen and Vicky Vette.  It was an incredibly exciting year!

And wait until you see 2013!  We have new toys and new lubricants coming out that will blow your mind.  And help you get blown as well.

I mean, after all, what are the holidays without a heaping dose of holiday sex?

Someone asked the other day if I had a favorite sex toy.  Of course I do!  It’s Debi Diamond!  (A kind gentle soul who is sexy and kinky to the core.  Now if I could get her and Christy Canyon at the same time…)

What better gift to give a loved one, or stranger, than a long slow blowjob or maybe some anal sex?  Men and women around the globe would love to receive those presents.  Many at the same time.  Ever been to an out-of-control office party?  Like that only everyone keeps their jobs.

And Doc Johnson is there to supply all of your sexual accessories.  Your orientation doesn’t matter, we have what you need.  All types of dildos, vibrators, masturbators, lubes and lotions.  We help make the season bright.  Or turn off the lights, we are just happy to be there with you.

So don’t be selfish this season.  Give orgasms to everyone you meet.  And maybe you will receive a few of your own.  No matter the fetish or form, we are here for you.

And like Dr Tim always says, unless he doesn’t, “I don’t judge.  I just want to hold the camcorder.”

Merry Christmas everyone!  And until next year, enjoy your ho, ho, hos!

 

Quote of the Day (Or, Lovely Sentiment)

16 Nov 2012 1 Comment

by Mystertim in Anal Sex, Anatomy, Doc Johnson, Female Sexuality, Fetish, Male Sexuality, Wendy Williams Tags: , , , , , , ,

So there I was, having a conversation with an amazing woman at work.  She was commenting on the fact that not everyone privileged to work at a company which empowers people to embrace their sexuality, is as open-minded as those of us who do.  Well, to be quite honest, everyone regardless of employment may have certain phobias of a sexual nature.

Can you guess our topic?  That’s right!  Butt sex!

She had overheard some folks disparaging butt plugs.  You are familiar with butt plugs aren’t you?  They come in all shapes and sizes for your specific anal pleasure.  For example:

The folks she overheard were none too complimentary towards the intended use of said item or the people who use them.

That is when she uttered my Quote of the Day: “If their ass is a sacred temple of flatulence and waste, I feel sorry for them!”

What a powerful statement!

All types of men, women and trans use butt plugs to fulfill their needs and desires.  Nothing wrong with that!  Some like the feeling of fullness, the stretching or just get off on the deed.

Remember: It is your ass.  Enjoy it!

Q&A Day! (or, Too Lazy to Summon a Topic)

29 Oct 2012 Leave a comment

by Mystertim in Anal Sex, chemicals, cosmetics, Couples Sexuality, Dildos, Doc Johnson, Female Sexuality, Fetish, HIV, HIV/AIDS, Male Sexuality, Masturbation, Oral Sex, Personal Lubricants, Safe Sex, Science, sex toys, sexuality, Strap-ons, Vibrators Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Morning Troops!

It is a beautiful Monday morning out here in Southern California.  I understand there may be a bit of rain Out East, but try to stay dry and warm now.  You hear?

So many questions!  I do believe that it is time to address a few of them and undress the askers.

Q1. Are sex toys actually useful or are they something to hide behind?

A. Sex toys are very useful.  They can help folks expand their sexual repertoire, help them understand desires and assist them score some really great orgasms!  Sex toys can help build the trust between couples and get single people through the night.  Can you hide behind them?  Well I’ve seen some pretty big toys, but none to hide behind!  (By the way, Doc Johnson sells sex toys for all tastes, desires and needs.  If you need a substitute cock, call the Doc!)

Q2. What about lubricants?

A. Deary, deary me!  Lubricants are very helpful and fun!  (remember, I make them, Doc Johnson sells them!)  Lubricants help folks that want to add different flavors to their favorite partner, lubricate orifices that do not naturally lubricate themselves and are a must when inserting oversize objects or fists.  I recommend that you always keep a bottle or two on hand for just such an emergency.  When my son was younger, the wife and I would put it on the doorknob.  Made it tough for him to turn…

Q3. Can you make semen taste like chocolate?

A. Working on it.  If I do, my next blog will be sent from an as of yet undesignated island.

Q4. Do you always think about sex?

A. Well, yes.  My job is thinking of ways to enhance your sexual experience.  And then turn it into a real thing.  Not everyone needs or wants these items, but they are incredibly important to others.  Your satisfaction is my business.

Q5. WHich is better for a quickie, oral or anal sex?

A. Dr Tim does not do quickies.  If you do not have a couple of hours to play, don’t start with me.  However, oral sex is pretty darn good for a quickie.  But then again, so is anal or even regular intercourse.  There is no best or better.  Only you and your partner know what will work for you.  Whatever happened to a good old handie now and then?

Q6. Why are strap-ons so popular these days?

A. Beats me!  I guess that more and more people are open to the pleasures derived from them.  More men have discovered the pleasures of prostate massage and more women have discovered the joy of helping.  Of course many same-sex couples use strap-ons as well.  Is there anything a strap-on can’t do?  Oh yeah, it cannot get you pregnant.

Q7. What about chemicals?

A. What about them?

Q8. Are the chemicals used in sex toys, lubricants and cosmetics bad for you?

A. From the top: Everything is a chemical.  Water, air, fruit, flowers, everything.  There are only so many elements that we know about in this world and they make up everything.

Q9. Phthalates or parabens ring a bell?

A. Yes.  And although many phthalates have been banned around the world, science has not shown any danger from the most popular.  They were banned by emotion, not science.  Parabens also have a sixty year history of safe use, but they have been taken out of many products due to the public which would rather demand things than learn about them.  You forgot to mention BPA.  It is in every canned good you have ever purchased.  Relax a little.  Scientist do not want to poison, you, hurt you or kill you.  If we did, who would buy our products?  By the way, Doc Johnson does not use phthalates and parabens are being phased out.

Q10. How many licks does it take?

A. Ask Lil’ Kim.

Q11. You think you’re so smart!  Why did you pick the Detroit Tigers in the World Series?

A. Shut up.

Well, we are out of time folks!  Keep those cards, letters, emails and dirty pictures coming in!

Seriously Though (or, Not Funny or Sexy, but Important)

05 Oct 2012 1 Comment

by Mystertim in chemicals, cosmetics, Doc Johnson, Medical, Science Tags: , , ,

I am a scientist.

For many people, “scientist” is a bad word.  After all, don’t we as evil scientists try our best to destroy the planet in every movie, television show, novel, etc.?

Trust me.  If we wanted the world destroyed, it would already be gone.

And I am an older scientist.  One who remembers the “Good Old Days” before we were hampered with so many laws, rules and regulations.  When I was a Baby Scientist, we could pretty much do whatever we wanted with impunity.  Now we have governments telling us what and what cannot use when they have very little grasp of basic chemistry.

We didn’t always know what we were doing, but hey!  We made penicillin, cured rabies, fought off many diseases while creating products to make life easier for you.

But that doesn’t mean everything that we can do, should be done.

Let me rephrase that.  It doesn’t mean that everything we can do (and we did) should be told to the public.

CALM DOWN!

Let me give you two recent examples in the OTC/Cosmetic world.

1) It was discovered that using coral scientists created a new sunscreen.   Should it have been tried?  Yes.  Absolutely.  Should we have told the public?  NO!  After all, as scientists, we want to know everything about everything.  That means trying stuff that would never occur to non-scientists.  The world’s coral reefs are in danger.  And they are a very important part of the aquatic ecosystem.  I do not nor will I ever advocate the decimation of the coral reefs for the production of sunscreen.  It is not necessary.  That product would have to do something pretty darn impressive to make it worth risking life in the oceans.

So why did they tell us?  It was an attempt to attract additional funding.  Research needs money to happen.  I used to work for a company on the East Coast.  We had several divisions: liposomes, hyaluronic acid, biotechnology and cosmetics.  I may have forgotten a few, but you get the idea.  I was in charge of the OTC/Cosmetic R&D branch.  The other department heads would give me grief about working in a “soft” science.  They were trying to make medical breakthroughs to save humanity and I was making herbal shampoo.

My herbal shampoo was responsible for their funding.  That’s right.  They would never had been able to afford one fermentation tank, one HPLC or even a beaker without the sales from my products.  “Soft” science indeed.

2) New anti-ageing benefits utilizing fluid from the umbilical cord!  Why?  Way back in the day, we used amniotic fluid in skin care.  Everyone, except perhaps the French, have stopped.  There is no need to exploit childbirth to obtain materials for reducing wrinkles.  Plus today, any product using a chemical of human origin requires an HIV warning.

That’ll sell cosmetics!

OK, so we are all doing research and trying to advance the human condition.  Is it all pretty?  No.  Is it all beer and skittles?  Not even close.  Do we still undertake personal risk?  Yes.  Every day.  There is not one product that comes out of my lab that I would not use myself.  And I test every single product we make in my lab.  All of them.

You do not want to hear about the products that failed.  Not every experiment is a winner.  Nor should you even know about them.  You want the winners.  Not the runner-ups.

So things happen in labs all around the world that can be a bit hinky.  We want to hear how you cured cancer and do not want to hear everything you had to go through to do it.  All these experiments lead to greater knowledge.

With great knowledge comes great responsibility.

More is Less (or, So, What are You Wearing?)

21 Sep 2012 Leave a comment

by Mystertim in Anal Sex, Couples Sexuality, Dildos, Doc Johnson, Fashion, Female, Female Sexuality, Fetish, Male, Male Sexuality, Masturbation, Oral Sex, Personal Lubricants, Psychology, sex toys, Strap-ons, Vibrators Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

OK.  I admit it. 

I love women’s clothes.  There, it is out in the open now.  Think what you want, but now we can move into our conversation for today.

So, what are you wearing?  Oh yeah, Baby!  You know what Daddy likes!

Clothing and sexuality have a close-knit relationship.  (See what I did there?)  The way you dress expresses the way you see yourself to others.  That outfit tells us how you are feeling and what you need.  Men and women get a real clue.  If you have the strength to walk into a party wearing a full-length tiger-print silk sheath and high heels, you will run the show.

Let’s talk t-shirts.  I love t-shirts.  I especially love them when a woman is wearing one.  Wearing a t-shirt lets us know that she is feeling secure.  A secure woman is a sexy woman.  There is this Blonde with Major Boobage with whom I have frequent meetings that knocks me out when she wears a t-shirt.  I wish she didn’t wear a bra with it as well, but you can’t always get what you want.  In fact, when I mentioned to her that the bra was unnecessary, she told me it was.

“I know you, Dr Tim.  If I didn’t wear a bra you would just happen by with a bucket of cold water that just might accidentally spill in my direction.”

She was right.  I wanted to test that theory, but she would have none of it and I would get none of it either.  *SIGH*

You know what else I have a clothes fetish for?  Fuzzy sweaters.  Oh man, big soft boobs encased in a layer of warm, fuzzy, snuggly wonderfulness.  It makes a grown man leak.  Puddles, not just caused by women!  Now I know what you might be thinking. 

“Dr Tim! When are you going to discuss sexy lingerie?”

Just a moment.  Keep your pants on.  Well at least keep them on up to your knees…

There is something else I wanted to discuss about t-shirts.  They can hide many fascinating experiences.  Have you ever lifted up a woman’s t-shirt and found a strap-on underneath?  Never saw it coming did you?  Neither did I, but baby, what a ride!  (By the way, Doc Johnson sells all types of strap-ons, harnesses, dildos, lubricants, just everything you would need!  Buy some today!)

Another great thing about t-shirts is their flexibility!  Say you were on a picnic in the woods and your lady is feeling the need for anal sex.  You can twist and pull on that t-shirt while trying to stay on for 8 seconds and it will look JUST FINE when the two of you are finished!  We need more clothes like this!  Or after a sloppy blowjob or muff dive at home, that t-shirt can be thrown into the laundry without any fuss or muss.  T-shirts – The world’s perfect clothing item?

OK, sexy lingerie.  I knew a fine young lady in college with Colossal Boobage who would opine, “Dr Tim. (Actually I was just Mr Tim back then.)  I love the feel and how I look in my sexy lingerie, but I never get to wear it long when men are around.”  I wanted to test that theory.  She had a lot of it and I got a lot of it too!  I still smile when I think of her.  (When she invited me to her wedding, her soon-to-be husband uninvited me and reminded me that the ushers and groomsmen were his brothers and cousins.)

I always did have a way with women that other men hated.

Does all of this make Dr Tim anti-nudity?  Of course not.  I’m just saying that the clothes make the woman or man.  And hopefully we will get to make you too!

Just don’t get me started about shoes!

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