Sex Stuff 101 (or take a chance)

So there I was, reading the National Institute of Health updates and saw a bit about Healthy Sexuality.  You know me, I clicked the link which took me to a video put out by the American Society of Reproductive Medicine.  Nice website and great videos that cover so many of the basic questions people have about sexuality.

Remember: This site is about the mechanics of sex and while they have passing mentions of sexualities other that heterosexuality, it is about how our bits work for reproduction.  There is a lot about infertility.

But their videos about sexual health, sexual problems and healthy sexuality are certainly worth a look.  Here is a link right to the videos: http://reproductivefacts.org/Full_Length_Patient_Education_Videos/

Copy and paste if your browser won’t let you click it.

Because while we at Doc Johnson love all of the fun and games, we want you to be happy, healthy and loving your life.  (And buy all of your toys/lubes from us!)

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Automatic Orgasm (Or, Ring My Chimes!)

How I love when science moves towards filling our expectations.  I mean, sure it is 2014 and I don’t have a flying car yet, but this is almost as good.

Seems that scientists in the US have patented an implant that would give women an orgasm at the touch of a button.  I know, right?  There is a lot of orgasmic dysfunction out there in the world and many women have problems reaching climax.  Any number of issues can cause this problem.  One of them, apparently, is that with similar physical responses women can confuse arousal with fear which makes them want to avoid the situation.  Therapy is available, but guess what, Valium can delay orgasm.  Who knew?  We could talk about the causes of orgasmic dysfunction until the cows come home and still not have scratched the surface.

So let’s move on to the discovery.  A North Carolina surgeon, Stuart Meloy, got the idea when he was performing a spinal pain-relief operation on a woman.  The patient stays alert during the operation so that the surgeon can plant the electrodes in the best position.  Apparently he found her sweet spot as she orgasmed on the operating table.  Clinical trails should begin later this year.

Dr. Meloy began working with Medtronic and developed the device.  Right now, it is just smaller than a pack of cigarettes and would be implanted in the buttocks.  Then you get a nifty remote to trigger it.  This is just as invasive as getting a pacemaker, so they would like to limit it to extreme cases.

Like that’s going to happen.  He also wants to program it to limit how much it can be used.  Not gonna happen either.  If it is successful, they will become as popular as breast implants.  Everyone is going to want one.  I imagine as time goes on, the device will get smaller and smaller and be much easier to obtain.  Who wouldn’t want Orgasms on Tap?  And can you imagine unending multiple orgasms?  Some women will never get out of bed again!

They haven’t tested it on men yet, but expect similar results.

What do you think?  Aid or the end of humanity?  Everyone should have orgasms, but they are more fun together.  Let’s keep hooking up people!  And while you are doing that, I will be trying to figure out how to get Doc Johnson’s name on that thing.  Or at least the universal remote…

Now’s where my flying car?

Slut Love (or, C’mon Over!)

Do you know the difference between a Slut and a Bitch?

A Slut will sleep with anyone  A Bitch will sleep with anyone but me!

Let’s talk about Sluts.  I love them.  Seems like these days, people are into slut shaming.  You know the drill, someone is doing the Walk of Shame so you start whispering behind their back, making snarky comments on social networks, checking out their naughty blogs and then sneaking off to rub one out.  (Go ahead!  It is still National Masturbation Month!)

Jealous much?

Sluts are very special people and need to be treated with understanding and tender loving care.  They cannot help themselves, they must share their joy with everyone who has need.  Sex is joy  And engaging in sex completes the circuit which brings the spirit if ever so briefly as close to Heaven/Nirvana/Valhalla/Fill in the Blank as one can be while still living.

They see sex differently than most.  To a Slut, sex is an open expression of love.  It is fun.  It is something to be shared.  And they share it with just about anyone who requests it properly.  Depending on the circumstances, properly may be anything from “Stroll with me beneath the moonlight and mayhap we will make a communal offering to the Great Spirit.” to “Meet me behind the dumpster!”

There was a story of a young Dali lama who was asked to cast a woman out for being a slut.  She was accused of seducing men, women and all living things.  When the Dali lama arrived, he found everyone waiting in line.  There was no fighting, pushing or trash talk.  And when he walked up to the young lady he could see that her beauty and love outshone the sun.  How could he cast out someone whose only crime was that she had been created with such beauty and generosity?

Something to think about people.  Much of the evil in this world would not happen if everyone was getting laid.  Sluts are the great equalizer.  If everyone could be open and honest about their sexual feelings.  They could be acted upon and a lot of tension would disappear.  Anyone could be a slut, you could be male, female, trans, whatever.  There is a Slut for everyone out there.

Oral sex sluts, anal sex sluts, gay sluts, lesbian sluts, sex toy sluts, why there is a whole world of sluttery (or should I say, sluttiosity) out there for you.  By the way, don’t forget to pick up your Official Doc Johnson Lubes, Toys and Stuff.  Even Sluts need a break now and then.

So what about Whores?

I love them too.  Everyone needs to get paid.  However, there is a good chance that a Whore has lost their way in drugs, or is being forced into prostitution or is so burned out that they no longer feel the joy.  This is a tough old world.  However, if more Sluts came out of their closet, fewer Whores would be necessary.  In fact, Sluts can put Whores out of business!

But as I said, Sluts need understanding and love.  Their hearts can be very tender and to misuse their gifts is what can change a sweet slut into a bitter person.  Treat your Slut kindly.  And if the Slut around, please understand, their gift is too great to keep to themselves.  If they are taking care of your needs, let them fly free.  They will come back.

Don’t shame the slut. Worship the Slut.

 

Between the Holidays (or, Stuck in the Middle with You!)

With all the holidays happening, my head is spinning!

However, right now we are between two very important holidays, SBJ Day and St Patrick’s Day.

What’s SBJ Day?  Well, it is one of the most important dates in history.  Many holidays revolve around women.  Particularly, Valentine’s Day.

Valentine’s Day is all about the ladies.  We woo them with chocolate, flowers, dinners, dancing, Broadway shows and most importantly, jewelry!  Men give consideration for their significant others’ feelings and try to listen after they say, “Sounds like you had a rough day.  Want to talk about it?”

As such, men finally decided that they need a holiday of their own.  One which speaks to their inner self and needs.  A day that, if all goes according to plan, leaves them happy, fulfilled and ever so appreciative of their partners.

Yes, March 14th is designated as “Steak and Blow Job Day.”  See, men are just not as complicated as women.  Feed us a steak, suck our dick, swallow some seed and we are yours for life.  (OK, there are some guys who qualify as “Playas” but we do not count them as men.)

I’m not about to tell those of you not on the receiving end of Steak and BJ Day how to grill a steak.  Put it on, turn it over, take it off.  Add BBQ sauce to taste.  (Hope you remembered to marinate the steak!)

But Blow Jobs.  Ladies, we need to talk.  How do you give a great blow job?  90% of the act is the attitude.  If you obviously are not enjoying it, we are not enjoying it either.  So if you do not like sucking cock, we are going to have a problem.  Now some men do not care.  I have never met these men.  It seems that whether you are straight or gay, you want your dick sucked.

So do I.  And here is how you win Dr Tim’s undying love and affection:

1. Have fun with it!  Make it game, put a little captain hat on him and tell him to prepare for a tropical storm.  How many licks does it take?

2. Use your tongue.  There is no such thing as too much tongue.  Broad flat strokes, pointed scroll work, make that hurricane tongue swirl around and around the head.

3. Actually move your head.  Believe it or not, some folks think a blow job consists of putting the head in their mouth and waiting.  This does not work.  Slide your lips up and down the shaft.  Move it from side to side.  We need some motion in the ocean.

4. Please do not forget to lick our balls.  We hate having dry balls and only you can save us.  Pop those balls in and out of your mouth.  Chase them around with your tongue.  Take them both in your mouth and pull.  Balls are fun.  Do not be afraid of them.

5. Some may disagree with me on this one, but using your hands is not cheating!  Play with my balls, tickle my taint, stroke the shaft in a twisting grip while your tongue circles the opposite way around the head.  Even nipple pinching is fair game.  If my cock is in your mouth, just about anything goes.

6. Except teeth.  We do not like razors being run up and down out cocks.  Either cover them with your lips or open your mouth wider and let your lips create a suction seal.

7. Swallow.  For me, nothing makes me feel loved in bed more than someone swallowing my semen.  If you are a bit squeamish, see this article: https://quantumcogitation.com/2011/06/16/to-completion-or-spitters-are-quitters/  If you still do not want to swallow, would you please let me shoot my load on your breasts?  Cum-covered boobs are very attractive and won’t mess up your hair.

8. Rimming is optional.

Basically, that’s it.  Not so difficult really.  Of course there are thousands of permutations and combinations that you can do to surprise your loved ones.  And if your man wants to know where you learned how to do what you just did, do not mention my name!  I still have to hide from a husband who, when he and his wife were testing a new butt lube,  heard his wife whisper, “Thanks Tim!”

Oh St Patrick’s Day.  I colored my privates green.  Anyone want to kiss my Blarney Stones?

Relax Asshole (or, R & Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr)

Perhaps a few of you remember the sexy blonde with major boobage I mentioned earlier this year.  If you don’t, for shame.  Re-read about her here: https://quantumcogitation.com/2011/04/15/erotic-spitting-or-how-is-it-raining-in-the-bedroom/

We were having a great conversation about new concepts in sexual health and wellness when out of the blue she asked, “How do you fall asleep on those nights when the world keeps you awake?”

She caught me at a weak moment.  Couldn’t help but tell her the plain unvarnished truth.  You should have seen her eyes light up.  How could I resist?  I mean, her boobs got in my eyes and everything!  Someday we will have to discuss this reoccurring dream I have about her.

But before we get into how Dr Tim relaxes on nights when he is carrying all of the world’s problems on his shoulders, let’s look at our souls.

Yes, it is about to get all metaphysical up in here!  What makes us “us?”  Who are you and how did you get that way?

Beats the heck out of me.  I am not even sure where is soul is located.  From all of my studies, it is believed to be located everywhere from the third eye to the brown eye.  Some even believe that the soul is in the blood.  I’ve had my cholesterol checked, but never has my doctor asked for a soul level.  Only Brothers and Sisters have ever gauged my Soul Level.  Solid!

The soul apparently is everything from your conscience to your mind to your very life force.  So we do not know where it is or even what it is, but we know that we have one.  Or some depending on your point of view.  Perhaps some of us do not even have one.  Maybe only so many souls were created and we have out-populated the number available.  There are thousands of people walking around without one.  Why are there so many more heartless criminals that stare at you with empty eyes?  They have no soul to care.  And those of us with souls are there to feel the pain and lie awake night after night.

How do I sleep?  Usually on my side.  I’ll cuddle you so hard and then spoon the hell out of you!

Seriously  though, on those nights that stretch out forever while being boycotted by the Sandman, I turn to Doc Johnson!  And you should too!

I don’t know if my soul is in my asshole, but I do know that is a major tension center.  Ever hear the phrase, “That tight-ass Mofo needs to relax!”

Tension Relief!

Here is my secret: I know they call it a clit stick, but I take that little beauty, turn it on and sandwich it between my cheeks with the tip just touching my asshole.  The tension just seems to drain away and I am sound asleep within 5-10 minutes.  Why?  I don’t know.  Maybe it massages my soul or simply helps me to relax.  Regardless of why, the sleep of the innocent lasts all night long.  I do have to replace the batteries fairly often since I do not wake up turn it off.  It is also kind of fun to figure out where it went during the night too.  Does that make me gay?  No.  It makes me secure.  Read about men and anal play here: https://quantumcogitation.com/2008/08/29/strap-it-on/

I’ll need it tonight however, all I can think about is sexy blonde with major boobage using a vibrator on her asshole.  She waxes.  Everything.  E-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g!

There may be some serious weasel-whipping going on tonight as well.  Cold shower anyone?

Boobs! (or, What are you thinking about right now?)

“Sweetie, what are you thinking about right now?”

“Well Darling, there isn’t a game on so I am thinking about boobs.’  (Famous Last Words)

And I am, unless I am thinking about pussy or ass.  Maybe about how good a blowjob would feel right now.

You are correct, Dear Readers, these are not appropriate answers when you get hit by “The Question” by your Significant Other.

In fact, this question is almost worse than the “We Need to Talk” statement.  Not quite, but almost.

Now I know that all of you have well-rounded lives with great jobs, community work, charity work and being a pillar of your House of Worship whichever that may be.  But guess what?  We all think about boobs.  Even women think about boobs!  I am very pro-boob and I am not afraid to say it.

So where am I going with all of this?  Everyone thinks about sex.  It is in just about everyone’s top five list of obsessions.  Or in my case the top two, I do love cheeseburgers.

Consider this, we all think about sex.  A lot really.  And that leads to uncomfortable situations.  Who hasn’t been caught checking someone out?  Male, female, straight, gay, lesbian, bi, trans, everyone has been busted.  It could be boobs, a bulging package or the way that ass moves under that sheer sun dress.  It could be a piece of jewelry or a particular shade of lipstick.  Even a fragrance can take you there.

https://quantumcogitation.com/2009/12/11/always-sniffing-around-or-smell-my-fetish/

And it could take your thoughts to uninhibited states of fantasy activities.  Strap-ons, anal sex, oral sex, threesome, moresome, orgies or your handy Official Doc Johnson devices and lubes.  Oh, do buy lots of Official Doc Johnson toys and lubes.  If it is better than Cock, it came from the Doc!

The brain is an amazing organ where your mind constructs new realities and worlds where the impossible can happen.  I have this little dream where Eva Mendez comes over to bake chocolate chip cookies with me and…

That is when you get busted.  Men are caught with a small smile and a growing chubby.  Women stand up and everyone looks for the velcro they just heard.  (Are you sitting in a puddle or are you just happy to see me?)

And most of the time, it is a fair cop.  Now I just happen to have a great job where I not only to have to think about sex constantly, but I have to think about making it better or longer-lasting, or tastier.  Yep.  To use business-speak, I need to maximize your sensory experience during erotic interludes.  In other words, Me make bouncy-bouncy more bouncy!

So yes, I think about sex a lot.  Almost as much as a teenager with the exception that I know what I am doing.  I hope.  https://quantumcogitation.com/2008/10/15/the-amazing-clitoris/

Other times it is an unfortunate frustration.  I was caught checking out a young college lady and was scolded for being a dirty old pervert.  One, I am not dirty.  I shower every day.  Two, I am not that old.  If it were true, I would have smiled and been about my business.  When I am busted for silently perving, I admit it and ask how they busted me.  Were they thinking the same things?

However that one time was different.  The young lady in question was the daughter of an old girlfriend from college.  She looked so much like her Mom did in college that it made me smile, remembering those happy days.

It isn’t always about sex.  It just usually is…

So what’s on your naughty mind?  Drop me a line and let me know!  My email and twiiter are over there to the right somewhere.

Dr Tim is On-the-Air (or Turn your radio on!)

A post on Monday morning?

Inconceivable!

However, it has been brought to my attention that one or two of you were pulled away from your computer against your will Saturday night.

Well, you missed it.  Dr Tim was on the air.  A nice 30 minute interview with DerekD and Peter Dickem on “The DerekD SHow.”  They are on this nifty website www.pleasureradio.fm.

So go ahead, visit the site, check out the program archives and hear what I had to say.  I didn’t do much for world peace, but maybe you can get a piece from our conversation.

Big shout-out to: @pleasurefm @peterdickem @dirtyderekd @drsuzy @TsWendyWilliams

Follow them on Twitter, or if boredom is more your style, follow me on Twitter!  The link is over there to the right somewhere.

Happy Monday Everyone!

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