Slut Love (or, C’mon Over!)

18 May 2012 1 Comment

by Mystertim in Anal Sex, Couples Sexuality, Doc Johnson, Female, Female Sexuality, Male, Male Sexuality, Men, Oral Sex, Psychology, sex toys, sexuality, Strap-ons, Vibrators, Women Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Do you know the difference between a Slut and a Bitch?

A Slut will sleep with anyone  A Bitch will sleep with anyone but me!

Let’s talk about Sluts.  I love them.  Seems like these days, people are into slut shaming.  You know the drill, someone is doing the Walk of Shame so you start whispering behind their back, making snarky comments on social networks, checking out their naughty blogs and then sneaking off to rub one out.  (Go ahead!  It is still National Masturbation Month!)

Jealous much?

Sluts are very special people and need to be treated with understanding and tender loving care.  They cannot help themselves, they must share their joy with everyone who has need.  Sex is joy  And engaging in sex completes the circuit which brings the spirit if ever so briefly as close to Heaven/Nirvana/Valhalla/Fill in the Blank as one can be while still living.

They see sex differently than most.  To a Slut, sex is an open expression of love.  It is fun.  It is something to be shared.  And they share it with just about anyone who requests it properly.  Depending on the circumstances, properly may be anything from “Stroll with me beneath the moonlight and mayhap we will make a communal offering to the Great Spirit.” to “Meet me behind the dumpster!”

There was a story of a young Dali lama who was asked to cast a woman out for being a slut.  She was accused of seducing men, women and all living things.  When the Dali lama arrived, he found everyone waiting in line.  There was no fighting, pushing or trash talk.  And when he walked up to the young lady he could see that her beauty and love outshone the sun.  How could he cast out someone whose only crime was that she had been created with such beauty and generosity?

Something to think about people.  Much of the evil in this world would not happen if everyone was getting laid.  Sluts are the great equalizer.  If everyone could be open and honest about their sexual feelings.  They could be acted upon and a lot of tension would disappear.  Anyone could be a slut, you could be male, female, trans, whatever.  There is a Slut for everyone out there.

Oral sex sluts, anal sex sluts, gay sluts, lesbian sluts, sex toy sluts, why there is a whole world of sluttery (or should I say, sluttiosity) out there for you.  By the way, don’t forget to pick up your Official Doc Johnson Lubes, Toys and Stuff.  Even Sluts need a break now and then.

So what about Whores?

I love them too.  Everyone needs to get paid.  However, there is a good chance that a Whore has lost their way in drugs, or is being forced into prostitution or is so burned out that they no longer feel the joy.  This is a tough old world.  However, if more Sluts came out of their closet, fewer Whores would be necessary.  In fact, Sluts can put Whores out of business!

But as I said, Sluts need understanding and love.  Their hearts can be very tender and to misuse their gifts is what can change a sweet slut into a bitter person.  Treat your Slut kindly.  And if the Slut around, please understand, their gift is too great to keep to themselves.  If they are taking care of your needs, let them fly free.  They will come back.

Don’t shame the slut. Worship the Slut.

 

Synchronicity (Or, When Jupiter Aligns with Mars)

04 May 2012 Leave a comment

by Mystertim in Anatomy, Couples Sexuality, Dildos, Doc Johnson, Dr Susan Block, Female, Female Sexuality, Male, Male Sexuality, Masturbation, Personal Lubricants, Physiology, Psychology, Safe Sex, sex toys, sexuality, Vibrators Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

I’m back!  What did I miss?

We have so little to cover and so much time to do it.  Wait, scratch that.  Reverse it.  Moving on…

First – Dr Adam Ostrzenski, of the Institute of Gynocology in St Petersburg, Florida claims to have found the actual G-Spot!  You may have heard about this on the news, but let’s look a bit closer, shall we?  Whatever he found, it is causing huge waves in the medical and sexual health fields.  Doctors are lining up on both sides of the debate.  You see, one side says, “Hooray!  Another clue to the mystery!” while the other proclaims, “The G-Spot is not real!  Stop trying to make women into sexual robots who respond to physical impulses!”

Tough room.  The doctor claims that not only is this very small cluster of grape-like pods in a sac the g-spot, but that it can rupture or weaken most likely during labor trauma.  So it seems that having kids could really dent your sexual desire.  Regardless, he only found this in one woman, 84 years old.  As we do know, every woman is different.  The g-spot may be large or small or even non-existent.  The problem is that humans tend to get caught up in the whirlwind of “OMG, I Must Be Dysfunctional.”  Not only that, it only measured 8.1 mm by 1.5-3.6 mm by 0.4 mm.  Harder to find than the clitoris!  (Which is not hard to find at all!  See: https://quantumcogitation.com/2008/10/15/the-amazing-clitoris/)

So what are you going to do?  This is where Synchronicity happens:

It is National Masturbation Month!!!!!

So let’s go exploring!  Let’s break out our Official Doc Johnson Lubricant and Official Doc Johnson Toys and go spelunking.  We have all sorts of toys and gizmos to reach everyplace you have thought of and several that you haven’t.  If you need some masturbation tips, please refer to these wonderful columns:

https://quantumcogitation.com/2011/05/06/national-masturbation-month-part-1-im-not-jerking-you-around-here/

https://quantumcogitation.com/2011/05/27/airing-the-orchid-or-women-are-wankers-too/

Or check in with my Dear Friend Dr Suzy: http://bloggamy.com/masturbation-month-news/

But first some important news: There is nothing wrong with you if you cannot locate your G-Spot.  Some women are much more sensitive than others and every woman is different.  I would hate it if you were all the same.  So take your time.  Explore yourself alone or with a special friend.  The goal is not finding the g-spot.  The goal is your feeling good, having fun and feeling fulfilled.  Each of you is special and I love you dearly for it.  Relax, don’t worry.  Masturbate yourself to bliss!

Other Breaking News:

A recent study shows that men think about Sex, Food and Sleep.  In that order.  Can you say “DUH!”  How can I get paid to conduct these studies.  (Point of difference: The study was done with college aged men between 18-25.  I am a bit older and my order is Food, Drink, WOMAN, Sleep…)

Yet another study published in The American Journal of Medicine states that with many older women, sex gets better as they age.  I am still not surprised.  Older women know what works for them and how to achieve satisfaction.  Like I mentioned earlier, it is all about your satisfaction.  Satisfied women are happy women.  Happy women (come in California) make happy men.  Let’s do this people!

And finally: the FDA approves a new drug for the treatment of erectile dysfunction!  Huzzah!  Men suffering from ED need to masturbate too!  It is called Stendra and should be taken 30 minutes before sexual activity.  It is also a PDE5, so all the same warnings about nitrates, vision, hearing, etc, etc, etc.

Thanks for visiting!  Now wash your hands and let’s go get something to eat!

3-Minute Poem (or, Wookies? Seriously?)

23 Mar 2012 1 Comment

by Mystertim in 3-Minute Poem, Bad Poetry, Male Sexuality Tags: ,

Kids today like fantastical things,

Androids, computers and Wookies.

I’m old-school, and loves me some

Fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies.

 

It’s true.  Bring me some fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies and you will see that gleam in my eye.  Be ready for a XXX throw-down.  And remember, I am the Undefeated Championship Belt Holder!

(If you can’t deliver the cookies to me in-person, please enclose naughty photos with your package…)

Between the Holidays (or, Stuck in the Middle with You!)

16 Mar 2012 Leave a comment

by Mystertim in Couples Sexuality, Dildos, Doc Johnson, Female Sexuality, Fetish, Male Sexuality, Masturbation, Oral Sex Tags: , , , , , ,

With all the holidays happening, my head is spinning!

However, right now we are between two very important holidays, SBJ Day and St Patrick’s Day.

What’s SBJ Day?  Well, it is one of the most important dates in history.  Many holidays revolve around women.  Particularly, Valentine’s Day.

Valentine’s Day is all about the ladies.  We woo them with chocolate, flowers, dinners, dancing, Broadway shows and most importantly, jewelry!  Men give consideration for their significant others’ feelings and try to listen after they say, “Sounds like you had a rough day.  Want to talk about it?”

As such, men finally decided that they need a holiday of their own.  One which speaks to their inner self and needs.  A day that, if all goes according to plan, leaves them happy, fulfilled and ever so appreciative of their partners.

Yes, March 14th is designated as “Steak and Blow Job Day.”  See, men are just not as complicated as women.  Feed us a steak, suck our dick, swallow some seed and we are yours for life.  (OK, there are some guys who qualify as “Playas” but we do not count them as men.)

I’m not about to tell those of you not on the receiving end of Steak and BJ Day how to grill a steak.  Put it on, turn it over, take it off.  Add BBQ sauce to taste.  (Hope you remembered to marinate the steak!)

But Blow Jobs.  Ladies, we need to talk.  How do you give a great blow job?  90% of the act is the attitude.  If you obviously are not enjoying it, we are not enjoying it either.  So if you do not like sucking cock, we are going to have a problem.  Now some men do not care.  I have never met these men.  It seems that whether you are straight or gay, you want your dick sucked.

So do I.  And here is how you win Dr Tim’s undying love and affection:

1. Have fun with it!  Make it game, put a little captain hat on him and tell him to prepare for a tropical storm.  How many licks does it take?

2. Use your tongue.  There is no such thing as too much tongue.  Broad flat strokes, pointed scroll work, make that hurricane tongue swirl around and around the head.

3. Actually move your head.  Believe it or not, some folks think a blow job consists of putting the head in their mouth and waiting.  This does not work.  Slide your lips up and down the shaft.  Move it from side to side.  We need some motion in the ocean.

4. Please do not forget to lick our balls.  We hate having dry balls and only you can save us.  Pop those balls in and out of your mouth.  Chase them around with your tongue.  Take them both in your mouth and pull.  Balls are fun.  Do not be afraid of them.

5. Some may disagree with me on this one, but using your hands is not cheating!  Play with my balls, tickle my taint, stroke the shaft in a twisting grip while your tongue circles the opposite way around the head.  Even nipple pinching is fair game.  If my cock is in your mouth, just about anything goes.

6. Except teeth.  We do not like razors being run up and down out cocks.  Either cover them with your lips or open your mouth wider and let your lips create a suction seal.

7. Swallow.  For me, nothing makes me feel loved in bed more than someone swallowing my semen.  If you are a bit squeamish, see this article: https://quantumcogitation.com/2011/06/16/to-completion-or-spitters-are-quitters/  If you still do not want to swallow, would you please let me shoot my load on your breasts?  Cum-covered boobs are very attractive and won’t mess up your hair.

8. Rimming is optional.

Basically, that’s it.  Not so difficult really.  Of course there are thousands of permutations and combinations that you can do to surprise your loved ones.  And if your man wants to know where you learned how to do what you just did, do not mention my name!  I still have to hide from a husband who, when he and his wife were testing a new butt lube,  heard his wife whisper, “Thanks Tim!”

Oh St Patrick’s Day.  I colored my privates green.  Anyone want to kiss my Blarney Stones?

Brains… (or, Happy Halloween!)

31 Oct 2011 Leave a comment

by Mystertim in cosmetics, Couples Sexuality, Doc Johnson, Female Sexuality, Fetish, Male Sexuality, Oral Sex, Psychology Tags: , , , ,

Happy Halloween Everyone!

Here at Doc Johnson, we look forward to things that bump in the night!  And vibrate, buzz, rotate, lick, suck, well, you get the idea.

OK! Back up the tanker of Baby Oil! It's Party Time!

Now play safe tonight and be sure to stock up on your Official Doc Johnson toys and lubes.  They work great at parties.  After all, some us will be turning our tricks into treats…

What do you mean you didn't bring your Doc Johnson toys?

So eat Candy, eat your Honey (they both love it) and be sure to wash it down with a special protein shake.  For tonight we howl!

Bare Naked Bake Sale (or, helping people who help charity rocks!)

28 Oct 2011 Leave a comment

by Mystertim in Charity, Couples Sexuality, Female Sexuality, Humanity, Male Sexuality, Psychology, Uncategorized Tags: , , ,

So I have this friend…

Really!  I do have a friend and she is one of the hardest working ladies I know.  Smart, funny, talented, married (damn), and dedicated to the cause.  We may not agree on everything, but we do agree on one thing.

People in this world need help.  And we want to help.  We would give the shirt off our backs to help.  So she did and the Bare Naked Bake Sale was born.

The website will be going live soon.  To read the back story, go here: http://barenakedbakesale.wordpress.com/

Sign up for updates here: http://bnakedb.kickofflabs.com/?s=1MZG

I believe.  I am a financial contributor and spirit coach.

I also did a short clip featuring their slogan; “I can change the world with the shirt off my back.”

If moobs offend you, do not click this link!  http://www.youtube.com/user/justinawalford#p/u/3/urf2LZsvOIk

You can follow Justina on Twitter (http://twitter.com/#!/JustinaWalford)

What are you doing to make the world a better place?

Relax Asshole (or, R & Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr)

20 Oct 2011 Leave a comment

by Mystertim in Anatomy, Couples Sexuality, Doc Johnson, Female Sexuality, Male Sexuality, Psychology, sex toys, Vibrators Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Perhaps a few of you remember the sexy blonde with major boobage I mentioned earlier this year.  If you don’t, for shame.  Re-read about her here: https://quantumcogitation.com/2011/04/15/erotic-spitting-or-how-is-it-raining-in-the-bedroom/

We were having a great conversation about new concepts in sexual health and wellness when out of the blue she asked, “How do you fall asleep on those nights when the world keeps you awake?”

She caught me at a weak moment.  Couldn’t help but tell her the plain unvarnished truth.  You should have seen her eyes light up.  How could I resist?  I mean, her boobs got in my eyes and everything!  Someday we will have to discuss this reoccurring dream I have about her.

But before we get into how Dr Tim relaxes on nights when he is carrying all of the world’s problems on his shoulders, let’s look at our souls.

Yes, it is about to get all metaphysical up in here!  What makes us “us?”  Who are you and how did you get that way?

Beats the heck out of me.  I am not even sure where is soul is located.  From all of my studies, it is believed to be located everywhere from the third eye to the brown eye.  Some even believe that the soul is in the blood.  I’ve had my cholesterol checked, but never has my doctor asked for a soul level.  Only Brothers and Sisters have ever gauged my Soul Level.  Solid!

The soul apparently is everything from your conscience to your mind to your very life force.  So we do not know where it is or even what it is, but we know that we have one.  Or some depending on your point of view.  Perhaps some of us do not even have one.  Maybe only so many souls were created and we have out-populated the number available.  There are thousands of people walking around without one.  Why are there so many more heartless criminals that stare at you with empty eyes?  They have no soul to care.  And those of us with souls are there to feel the pain and lie awake night after night.

How do I sleep?  Usually on my side.  I’ll cuddle you so hard and then spoon the hell out of you!

Seriously  though, on those nights that stretch out forever while being boycotted by the Sandman, I turn to Doc Johnson!  And you should too!

I don’t know if my soul is in my asshole, but I do know that is a major tension center.  Ever hear the phrase, “That tight-ass Mofo needs to relax!”

Tension Relief!

Here is my secret: I know they call it a clit stick, but I take that little beauty, turn it on and sandwich it between my cheeks with the tip just touching my asshole.  The tension just seems to drain away and I am sound asleep within 5-10 minutes.  Why?  I don’t know.  Maybe it massages my soul or simply helps me to relax.  Regardless of why, the sleep of the innocent lasts all night long.  I do have to replace the batteries fairly often since I do not wake up turn it off.  It is also kind of fun to figure out where it went during the night too.  Does that make me gay?  No.  It makes me secure.  Read about men and anal play here: https://quantumcogitation.com/2008/08/29/strap-it-on/

I’ll need it tonight however, all I can think about is sexy blonde with major boobage using a vibrator on her asshole.  She waxes.  Everything.  E-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g!

There may be some serious weasel-whipping going on tonight as well.  Cold shower anyone?

Boobs! (or, What are you thinking about right now?)

14 Oct 2011 Leave a comment

by Mystertim in Anatomy, Couples Sexuality, Dildos, Doc Johnson, Female, Female Sexuality, Fetish, Male Sexuality, Masturbation, Oral Sex, Personal Lubricants, Physiology, Psychology, Safe Sex, Science, sex toys, sexuality, Strap-ons, Transexual, Vibrators Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

“Sweetie, what are you thinking about right now?”

“Well Darling, there isn’t a game on so I am thinking about boobs.’  (Famous Last Words)

And I am, unless I am thinking about pussy or ass.  Maybe about how good a blowjob would feel right now.

You are correct, Dear Readers, these are not appropriate answers when you get hit by “The Question” by your Significant Other.

In fact, this question is almost worse than the “We Need to Talk” statement.  Not quite, but almost.

Now I know that all of you have well-rounded lives with great jobs, community work, charity work and being a pillar of your House of Worship whichever that may be.  But guess what?  We all think about boobs.  Even women think about boobs!  I am very pro-boob and I am not afraid to say it.

So where am I going with all of this?  Everyone thinks about sex.  It is in just about everyone’s top five list of obsessions.  Or in my case the top two, I do love cheeseburgers.

Consider this, we all think about sex.  A lot really.  And that leads to uncomfortable situations.  Who hasn’t been caught checking someone out?  Male, female, straight, gay, lesbian, bi, trans, everyone has been busted.  It could be boobs, a bulging package or the way that ass moves under that sheer sun dress.  It could be a piece of jewelry or a particular shade of lipstick.  Even a fragrance can take you there.

https://quantumcogitation.com/2009/12/11/always-sniffing-around-or-smell-my-fetish/

And it could take your thoughts to uninhibited states of fantasy activities.  Strap-ons, anal sex, oral sex, threesome, moresome, orgies or your handy Official Doc Johnson devices and lubes.  Oh, do buy lots of Official Doc Johnson toys and lubes.  If it is better than Cock, it came from the Doc!

The brain is an amazing organ where your mind constructs new realities and worlds where the impossible can happen.  I have this little dream where Eva Mendez comes over to bake chocolate chip cookies with me and…

That is when you get busted.  Men are caught with a small smile and a growing chubby.  Women stand up and everyone looks for the velcro they just heard.  (Are you sitting in a puddle or are you just happy to see me?)

And most of the time, it is a fair cop.  Now I just happen to have a great job where I not only to have to think about sex constantly, but I have to think about making it better or longer-lasting, or tastier.  Yep.  To use business-speak, I need to maximize your sensory experience during erotic interludes.  In other words, Me make bouncy-bouncy more bouncy!

So yes, I think about sex a lot.  Almost as much as a teenager with the exception that I know what I am doing.  I hope.  https://quantumcogitation.com/2008/10/15/the-amazing-clitoris/

Other times it is an unfortunate frustration.  I was caught checking out a young college lady and was scolded for being a dirty old pervert.  One, I am not dirty.  I shower every day.  Two, I am not that old.  If it were true, I would have smiled and been about my business.  When I am busted for silently perving, I admit it and ask how they busted me.  Were they thinking the same things?

However that one time was different.  The young lady in question was the daughter of an old girlfriend from college.  She looked so much like her Mom did in college that it made me smile, remembering those happy days.

It isn’t always about sex.  It just usually is…

So what’s on your naughty mind?  Drop me a line and let me know!  My email and twiiter are over there to the right somewhere.

Dr Tim is On-the-Air (or Turn your radio on!)

10 Oct 2011 Leave a comment

by Mystertim in Anatomy, chemicals, Couples Sexuality, Dildos, Doc Johnson, Dr Susan Block, Female, Female Sexuality, Fetish, Male Sexuality, Masturbation, Oral Sex, Personal Lubricants, Physiology, Psychology, Regulatory, Science, sex toys, sexuality, Strap-ons, Transexual, Vibrators, Wendy Williams Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

A post on Monday morning?

Inconceivable!

However, it has been brought to my attention that one or two of you were pulled away from your computer against your will Saturday night.

Well, you missed it.  Dr Tim was on the air.  A nice 30 minute interview with DerekD and Peter Dickem on “The DerekD SHow.”  They are on this nifty website www.pleasureradio.fm.

So go ahead, visit the site, check out the program archives and hear what I had to say.  I didn’t do much for world peace, but maybe you can get a piece from our conversation.

Big shout-out to: @pleasurefm @peterdickem @dirtyderekd @drsuzy @TsWendyWilliams

Follow them on Twitter, or if boredom is more your style, follow me on Twitter!  The link is over there to the right somewhere.

Happy Monday Everyone!

Vacation! (or Did you miss me?)

16 Sep 2011 1 Comment

by Mystertim in Anatomy, chemicals, cosmetics, Couples Sexuality, Dildos, Doc Johnson, Fashion, Female, Female Sexuality, Fetish, Male Sexuality, Masturbation, Medical, Oral Sex, Personal Lubricants, Physiology, Psychology, Regulatory, Safe Sex, Science, sex toys, sexuality, Strap-ons, Transexual, Vibrators Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Believe it or not, I took a vacation last week.  No, really!  I was not in my laboratory for nine days.  Nine long, empty, meaningless days…

Actually I had a grand time.  It was my first vacation in four years and my third in the last twelve years.  It seems like I take a week off every four years or so.

So what did I do?  Things that would make the Marquis de Sade jump up on a chair and go “Eeek!”

Well, I’m sure that someone would.  I spent two days travelling.  It was nice to see the green fields and blue skies of the Midwest again.  You know, they have air that can be seen through almost all of the time.  Then I came home to study.

Yes you read that correctly, I came home to study.  I was buried in quantum theory, chemistry, mathematics and porn.

A person needs to stay sharp and up-to-date with the latest and greatest theories and inventions.  Who wouldn’t want to unravel the theories of time and the universe while experiencing mind-blowing orgasms?  Somehow I find that climaxing while learning brings me to an amazing brain-gasm.  Nothing like a good cum to fix things in your brain.  The universe seems to open itself up to me during sex.  (Now you understand why I call my Lady Friends, “My World, My Universe.”)

Here you thought I ignored my studies to do a lot of screwing around!  Nonsense.  As serious students, we always recited our class notes during sex.  In fact, that is the main reason people like the dirty talk in the bedroom.  Have you ever said anything naughty that your partner forgot?  Nope, they remember every last thing you said in bed and try to hold you to it.  A lot of jewelry gets sold that way.

Did you know that two people can squeeze into an orgone box?  They can!  If you can have sex in an airplane bathroom, you can make it in an orgone box!  Although that isn’t the point.  One of these days I promise that I will write a blog about Wilhelm Reich.  His work is fascinating.

Back to my vacation!  Out of nine, I had seven days of Science, Sex and Ice Cream.  Hmm, Seven of Nine does make me think about Science, Sex and Ice Cream, although not in that exact order.

However, serious study needs a serious study group.  How fortunate that I know such a group who could really help me concentrate on my studies.  Anything that could happen, did happen!  There were tons of official Doc Johnson toys and lubes which everyone shared to their hearts’ content.  There were strap-ons, oral sex, anal, sex, vaginal sex, armpit sex, straight, gay, trans, couples, singles and more!  Best smorgasm-borg ever!  We really got into some interesting experiments of spacial geometry and I do believe we defied the laws of physics and anatomy more than once.  How many dimensions do we occupy during orgasm?

You would have to see the film to believe it!  But until I star on a reality show, you will probably never have a chance to see it, unless someone posts clips on the internet.  Don’t be a pirate!  Buy your porn!  Somehow the idea of sex tapes going viral seems wrong to me.

So what or who did you do on your summer vacation?  Feel free to send me cards, letters, pictures or video!  Even a postcard would be nice…

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