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Black Roses (or, We Haz Them)

How was your Valentines Day?  Did you get any?

C’mon, even married people get laid on Valentines Day.  It is practically the law.  (Federal law, it is much more than a state thing.)

You didn’t? well, even women get blue balls…

Blue Balls.  We Has ‘Em.  However, they are the amazing Blooming Ben Wa Balls in the brilliant Black Rose line by Doc Johnson!

If they turn this color, OUCH!

If they turn this color, OUCH!

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Now that sounds like much more fun, doesn’t it?

Yes, Valentines Day is much like Bondage & Discipline.  You always hurt the one you love.  And boy, at Doc Johnson do we have some classy ways to do it too.  We’ve got everything!  Harnesses, cuffs, strap-ons, paddles, whips and other weapons of ass destruction.  Spice up your love life.  These can be used in any room of the house.  This is a very nice selection of products.  Wanna see some more pictures?  Me too!

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So you are probably thinking, “Strap-ons are über-cool!  But is that the only thrill available for anal pleasure?”

Fear not my bung-loving lovers.  We have some amazing purple butt plugs for you in the very same Black Rose line.  (Yes, purple product in Black Rose.  Bruises often turn purple before they go black.  Won’t tell you exactly how I know, but I’m sure you can find the videos on-line.  Can’t you, you little web-monkeys?)

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And what’s that?  An AMAZING lubricant from Good Old Dr Tim’s research lab!  What a wonderful world!  Remember:  Doc Johnson lubes help you get in and get back out easily, smoothly and with oh so much pleasure!

It is not too late!  Since here and now we are alive, go get some of those great Doc Johnson toys and lubes!  Show yourself or your significant other(s) how much you care.  Tie them up or let yourself be tied up to let your imagination soar.  Imagine how you will please your bound beauty.  Or how they will please you.  Life is good.  Seize the Day!

As for Dr Tim?  Just keep those cards, letters, pictures and videos coming in!  You inspire me.  Yes you do.  After all, how do you think I test all these lubes and potions?  My only thoughts are about you.

And while I am not sure this is what Linda Ronstadt was thinking about when she recorded her album Living in the USA back in 1978, just send me Black Roses…

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Advanced Research! (or, Come and knock on our door…)

Greetings Earthlings!  (And a cheerful “Howdy” to all of my off-world fans!)

As you know, Dr Tim takes his job very seriously.

Today as I was studying a trade journal, I ran across an interesting article with a very interesting concept.  It seems that a major brand of chips was going to launch some new packaging and they wanted a specific feel to go with it.  Here is a short blurb about their strategy:

“…As part of the research process, the corporate team actually partied with consumers in their own homes, versus focus group testing, to immerse themselves in what defines a party. Part of this included observing what resonates with consumers based on the visual influencers in their environment, in addition to what they served, what other brands they identified with, and how they entertained…”

WOW!

Can you see where I am going with this?

In order to help me help you, I am willing to get down with you in your own home, to discover what defines “sex” to you.  I will observe what influences your bedroom behaviour, what you use and what items you identify with during sex.

That’s right!  You too can have Dr Tim join you in your bedroom in the interest of science!  I will lend a hand, steady the ladder and make notes about your preferred lube for butt-fucking, which dildo you like or do you want a strap-on?  Do you use any flavoring enhancers during blow jobs or kitty licking?  What about rimming?  Don’t forget about the rimming!

And there is always Fifty Shades of WHOO-HOO!!!  Whip me, beat me, feel me, fuck me, bite me, burn me, cum on my tits and get on with your life!

I will be there for you so that the Mighty Doc Johnson can address your needs even more directly than before…

You will think we designed these toys just for you and you know what?  You will be one hundred percent correct.

So let me know if you are ready to enter the world of scientific research.  We’ll meet in your bedroom, backroom, garage, alley, dungeon or wherever.  I’ll be the one with the lab coat, camcorder and big smile.

It’s on Baby.  It’s on!

(Mothers of five-year olds must secure a sitter before actual action ensues…)

‘Tis The Season! (or, Gimmie, Gimmie!)

Ah, the holidays!

What a wonderful time to look back, review your year and make the appropriate adjustments so that the coming year is even better.  You become a better person, the type of person you had always hoped that you would be when you grew up.  Kind, generous, respected and well-loved.

Time to get nostalgic about family, friends, lost or found loves.  Tradition.

Speaking of tradition, WHAT DID YOU GET ME?????

Most of you were nice.  Some of you were very naughty.  And a few of you were nicely naughty and sent Dr Tim pictures and videos of yourselves using your fine Doc Johnson toys and lubricants!  Warms my heart.  Truly!  No cash, but a warm fuzzy feeling like when she hasn’t shaved for a week or so.

So how was your year?  Did you finally find a woman who was “all-access?”  Did you find a man who wasn’t threatened by your toys or that strap-on dildo you bought?

My year was great.  Here at Doc Johnson we had some very successful shows including a spectacular one at Hustler Hollywood!  It was all about the Wonderland.

It was AMAZING!

It was AMAZING!

Other awesome stuff happened too.  Great folks getting their body parts molded, like James Deen and Vicky Vette.  It was an incredibly exciting year!

And wait until you see 2013!  We have new toys and new lubricants coming out that will blow your mind.  And help you get blown as well.

I mean, after all, what are the holidays without a heaping dose of holiday sex?

Someone asked the other day if I had a favorite sex toy.  Of course I do!  It’s Debi Diamond!  (A kind gentle soul who is sexy and kinky to the core.  Now if I could get her and Christy Canyon at the same time…)

What better gift to give a loved one, or stranger, than a long slow blowjob or maybe some anal sex?  Men and women around the globe would love to receive those presents.  Many at the same time.  Ever been to an out-of-control office party?  Like that only everyone keeps their jobs.

And Doc Johnson is there to supply all of your sexual accessories.  Your orientation doesn’t matter, we have what you need.  All types of dildos, vibrators, masturbators, lubes and lotions.  We help make the season bright.  Or turn off the lights, we are just happy to be there with you.

So don’t be selfish this season.  Give orgasms to everyone you meet.  And maybe you will receive a few of your own.  No matter the fetish or form, we are here for you.

And like Dr Tim always says, unless he doesn’t, “I don’t judge.  I just want to hold the camcorder.”

Merry Christmas everyone!  And until next year, enjoy your ho, ho, hos!

 

Quote of the Day (Or, Lovely Sentiment)

So there I was, having a conversation with an amazing woman at work.  She was commenting on the fact that not everyone privileged to work at a company which empowers people to embrace their sexuality, is as open-minded as those of us who do.  Well, to be quite honest, everyone regardless of employment may have certain phobias of a sexual nature.

Can you guess our topic?  That’s right!  Butt sex!

She had overheard some folks disparaging butt plugs.  You are familiar with butt plugs aren’t you?  They come in all shapes and sizes for your specific anal pleasure.  For example:

The folks she overheard were none too complimentary towards the intended use of said item or the people who use them.

That is when she uttered my Quote of the Day: “If their ass is a sacred temple of flatulence and waste, I feel sorry for them!”

What a powerful statement!

All types of men, women and trans use butt plugs to fulfill their needs and desires.  Nothing wrong with that!  Some like the feeling of fullness, the stretching or just get off on the deed.

Remember: It is your ass.  Enjoy it!

Q&A Day! (or, Too Lazy to Summon a Topic)

Morning Troops!

It is a beautiful Monday morning out here in Southern California.  I understand there may be a bit of rain Out East, but try to stay dry and warm now.  You hear?

So many questions!  I do believe that it is time to address a few of them and undress the askers.

Q1. Are sex toys actually useful or are they something to hide behind?

A. Sex toys are very useful.  They can help folks expand their sexual repertoire, help them understand desires and assist them score some really great orgasms!  Sex toys can help build the trust between couples and get single people through the night.  Can you hide behind them?  Well I’ve seen some pretty big toys, but none to hide behind!  (By the way, Doc Johnson sells sex toys for all tastes, desires and needs.  If you need a substitute cock, call the Doc!)

Q2. What about lubricants?

A. Deary, deary me!  Lubricants are very helpful and fun!  (remember, I make them, Doc Johnson sells them!)  Lubricants help folks that want to add different flavors to their favorite partner, lubricate orifices that do not naturally lubricate themselves and are a must when inserting oversize objects or fists.  I recommend that you always keep a bottle or two on hand for just such an emergency.  When my son was younger, the wife and I would put it on the doorknob.  Made it tough for him to turn…

Q3. Can you make semen taste like chocolate?

A. Working on it.  If I do, my next blog will be sent from an as of yet undesignated island.

Q4. Do you always think about sex?

A. Well, yes.  My job is thinking of ways to enhance your sexual experience.  And then turn it into a real thing.  Not everyone needs or wants these items, but they are incredibly important to others.  Your satisfaction is my business.

Q5. WHich is better for a quickie, oral or anal sex?

A. Dr Tim does not do quickies.  If you do not have a couple of hours to play, don’t start with me.  However, oral sex is pretty darn good for a quickie.  But then again, so is anal or even regular intercourse.  There is no best or better.  Only you and your partner know what will work for you.  Whatever happened to a good old handie now and then?

Q6. Why are strap-ons so popular these days?

A. Beats me!  I guess that more and more people are open to the pleasures derived from them.  More men have discovered the pleasures of prostate massage and more women have discovered the joy of helping.  Of course many same-sex couples use strap-ons as well.  Is there anything a strap-on can’t do?  Oh yeah, it cannot get you pregnant.

Q7. What about chemicals?

A. What about them?

Q8. Are the chemicals used in sex toys, lubricants and cosmetics bad for you?

A. From the top: Everything is a chemical.  Water, air, fruit, flowers, everything.  There are only so many elements that we know about in this world and they make up everything.

Q9. Phthalates or parabens ring a bell?

A. Yes.  And although many phthalates have been banned around the world, science has not shown any danger from the most popular.  They were banned by emotion, not science.  Parabens also have a sixty year history of safe use, but they have been taken out of many products due to the public which would rather demand things than learn about them.  You forgot to mention BPA.  It is in every canned good you have ever purchased.  Relax a little.  Scientist do not want to poison, you, hurt you or kill you.  If we did, who would buy our products?  By the way, Doc Johnson does not use phthalates and parabens are being phased out.

Q10. How many licks does it take?

A. Ask Lil’ Kim.

Q11. You think you’re so smart!  Why did you pick the Detroit Tigers in the World Series?

A. Shut up.

Well, we are out of time folks!  Keep those cards, letters, emails and dirty pictures coming in!

More is Less (or, So, What are You Wearing?)

OK.  I admit it. 

I love women’s clothes.  There, it is out in the open now.  Think what you want, but now we can move into our conversation for today.

So, what are you wearing?  Oh yeah, Baby!  You know what Daddy likes!

Clothing and sexuality have a close-knit relationship.  (See what I did there?)  The way you dress expresses the way you see yourself to others.  That outfit tells us how you are feeling and what you need.  Men and women get a real clue.  If you have the strength to walk into a party wearing a full-length tiger-print silk sheath and high heels, you will run the show.

Let’s talk t-shirts.  I love t-shirts.  I especially love them when a woman is wearing one.  Wearing a t-shirt lets us know that she is feeling secure.  A secure woman is a sexy woman.  There is this Blonde with Major Boobage with whom I have frequent meetings that knocks me out when she wears a t-shirt.  I wish she didn’t wear a bra with it as well, but you can’t always get what you want.  In fact, when I mentioned to her that the bra was unnecessary, she told me it was.

“I know you, Dr Tim.  If I didn’t wear a bra you would just happen by with a bucket of cold water that just might accidentally spill in my direction.”

She was right.  I wanted to test that theory, but she would have none of it and I would get none of it either.  *SIGH*

You know what else I have a clothes fetish for?  Fuzzy sweaters.  Oh man, big soft boobs encased in a layer of warm, fuzzy, snuggly wonderfulness.  It makes a grown man leak.  Puddles, not just caused by women!  Now I know what you might be thinking. 

“Dr Tim! When are you going to discuss sexy lingerie?”

Just a moment.  Keep your pants on.  Well at least keep them on up to your knees…

There is something else I wanted to discuss about t-shirts.  They can hide many fascinating experiences.  Have you ever lifted up a woman’s t-shirt and found a strap-on underneath?  Never saw it coming did you?  Neither did I, but baby, what a ride!  (By the way, Doc Johnson sells all types of strap-ons, harnesses, dildos, lubricants, just everything you would need!  Buy some today!)

Another great thing about t-shirts is their flexibility!  Say you were on a picnic in the woods and your lady is feeling the need for anal sex.  You can twist and pull on that t-shirt while trying to stay on for 8 seconds and it will look JUST FINE when the two of you are finished!  We need more clothes like this!  Or after a sloppy blowjob or muff dive at home, that t-shirt can be thrown into the laundry without any fuss or muss.  T-shirts – The world’s perfect clothing item?

OK, sexy lingerie.  I knew a fine young lady in college with Colossal Boobage who would opine, “Dr Tim. (Actually I was just Mr Tim back then.)  I love the feel and how I look in my sexy lingerie, but I never get to wear it long when men are around.”  I wanted to test that theory.  She had a lot of it and I got a lot of it too!  I still smile when I think of her.  (When she invited me to her wedding, her soon-to-be husband uninvited me and reminded me that the ushers and groomsmen were his brothers and cousins.)

I always did have a way with women that other men hated.

Does all of this make Dr Tim anti-nudity?  Of course not.  I’m just saying that the clothes make the woman or man.  And hopefully we will get to make you too!

Just don’t get me started about shoes!

Slut Love (or, C’mon Over!)

Do you know the difference between a Slut and a Bitch?

A Slut will sleep with anyone  A Bitch will sleep with anyone but me!

Let’s talk about Sluts.  I love them.  Seems like these days, people are into slut shaming.  You know the drill, someone is doing the Walk of Shame so you start whispering behind their back, making snarky comments on social networks, checking out their naughty blogs and then sneaking off to rub one out.  (Go ahead!  It is still National Masturbation Month!)

Jealous much?

Sluts are very special people and need to be treated with understanding and tender loving care.  They cannot help themselves, they must share their joy with everyone who has need.  Sex is joy  And engaging in sex completes the circuit which brings the spirit if ever so briefly as close to Heaven/Nirvana/Valhalla/Fill in the Blank as one can be while still living.

They see sex differently than most.  To a Slut, sex is an open expression of love.  It is fun.  It is something to be shared.  And they share it with just about anyone who requests it properly.  Depending on the circumstances, properly may be anything from “Stroll with me beneath the moonlight and mayhap we will make a communal offering to the Great Spirit.” to “Meet me behind the dumpster!”

There was a story of a young Dali lama who was asked to cast a woman out for being a slut.  She was accused of seducing men, women and all living things.  When the Dali lama arrived, he found everyone waiting in line.  There was no fighting, pushing or trash talk.  And when he walked up to the young lady he could see that her beauty and love outshone the sun.  How could he cast out someone whose only crime was that she had been created with such beauty and generosity?

Something to think about people.  Much of the evil in this world would not happen if everyone was getting laid.  Sluts are the great equalizer.  If everyone could be open and honest about their sexual feelings.  They could be acted upon and a lot of tension would disappear.  Anyone could be a slut, you could be male, female, trans, whatever.  There is a Slut for everyone out there.

Oral sex sluts, anal sex sluts, gay sluts, lesbian sluts, sex toy sluts, why there is a whole world of sluttery (or should I say, sluttiosity) out there for you.  By the way, don’t forget to pick up your Official Doc Johnson Lubes, Toys and Stuff.  Even Sluts need a break now and then.

So what about Whores?

I love them too.  Everyone needs to get paid.  However, there is a good chance that a Whore has lost their way in drugs, or is being forced into prostitution or is so burned out that they no longer feel the joy.  This is a tough old world.  However, if more Sluts came out of their closet, fewer Whores would be necessary.  In fact, Sluts can put Whores out of business!

But as I said, Sluts need understanding and love.  Their hearts can be very tender and to misuse their gifts is what can change a sweet slut into a bitter person.  Treat your Slut kindly.  And if the Slut around, please understand, their gift is too great to keep to themselves.  If they are taking care of your needs, let them fly free.  They will come back.

Don’t shame the slut. Worship the Slut.

 

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